Dependence or despair

Since Justin died I have lived in this space....teetering between both.  Some days better than others...not devoid of happiness and laughter alltogether, but some deeply sad days, hours, moments, etc.
I have known that in it all He is whispering be brave.  Be vulnerable.   The woman who poured out her costly perfume, she was brave.  I am just broken.  Maybe, being broken is part of learning dependence and dependence is key to being brave.  I thought I was dependent, but I was only partially.  My skills, my abilities often interfered with my dependence.  Now, I am a wounded, limping, gimpy sheep.  Like any good shepherd He cares deeply for His flock.  This means the weak and the stragglers get extra attention.  This means me.  I lay at His feet wounded and broken, pouring out the only thing I have... my tears.  My vulnerability, my wounded heart and I risk everything in an attempt to be strengthened.  I dont care what the crowd thinks anymore, reject me and it just brings more freedom.  Love me and it brings healing, either way I win.  Isaiah said He gives strength....right now he gives me enough to not faint.  Some may be soaring but I am walking and not fainting...every step in dependence.  Every tear a pebble on the path away from despair. By His grace he takes my vulnerability and calls me valuable even in the brokenness.  

Hope is here

Hope is Here

He is stronger than the struggle
Greater than the pain
Faithful through the loss
   He is hope for the future
He is stronger than the lies
Greater than any man
Faithful through the crisis
   He is hope for the future
He is stronger than the emotions
Greater than any discouragement
Faithful through the darkness
    He is hope for the future
He is stronger than death
Greater than the past
Faithful through the present
     He is hope for the future
He is strong enough for today
Greater than the doubts
Faithful in each of the moments
    He is hope for today
Today, is the future dreamed of yesterday
He was there then, He is here now and He is already in the future.
Hope is here. 
                                            ---Debbie Hornsby

A wonderful woman I know taught me the phrase, we live in hope.  It was my mantra, my letting go, my hope.  It hasn't failed me, I still live in hope.  I grieve, I cry but there is always hope.  The pain subsides but it is always there, but hope is there too.  Each day there is sorrow and each day I live in hope.  That is where I choose to live and each day I get a little closer, except when I go backwards.  Some days I go backwards and then I pick up the pieces of my heart and choose to live in hope again.  Hope--the expectation of things not yet seen is a powerful thing, but Hope in Christ who is the hope of the world well that I choose to live in despite what I see or feel today.  Today, I live in hope.

Misery Loves Company

Misery Loves Company

She will call out to you
She will accompany you everywhere you go
She will stay in the background
She will stalk you, trying to get to you
She waits for you patiently
She understands you
She will collaborate with you
She knocks on the door when it is shut
She invades your happiness
She talks to you when you don't want to listen
She grabs your hand to take you with her
She pulls you towards her heart
She shows you the darkness
She offers no light
She simply drags you in and spits you out
She looks forward to the next time
She loves company.  Misery loves company.
----Debbie McDaniel Hornsby

It is in the proverbs that wisdom is personified as a woman.  Sorrow is also often personified as a woman.  This is what I know.  Women are relational.  Sigh.  Think it not strange that I would personify misery as a woman that seeks relationship with me.  Sometimes I seem to find myself choosing to withdraw into the misery, following after some strange relationship with the pain.  I am finding that I can choose to ignore her pleas, and move away from her calls.  Enough filling my heart and my mind with Him and suddenly her voice has less temptation in it.  She is easier to slam the door on when my heart is open to my Father. She can knock on someone else's door, but as for me...I am not home to misery, sorrow sometimes yes, but misery no more.  At least that is my hope for today, my determination in my heart.  My choice, today.

My No Fear, Dreams and Vision, New Year

Prophetically we have been hearing about digging spiritual wells for years.  This morning I began to think about the fact that we are full of His living water.  I am a  living, walking, breathing, living well of His goodness, creativity, love, faithfulness, grace, etc.  You also are His purposed, lovely well.  All those dreams and visions which are God given, He has already provided living water for.  The living water is already deposited in us and when we allow it to flow out unto those God given visions, dreams and plans they will come to life. Our job is to steward the dream well, to move when He says move, to step out and believe for God to creatively work it out.  To be well diggers yes, but our first call is to release the well within us.  It is uniquely designed to break the hard ground of someone else's heart and release the well within them.  The beauty of who God has created us to be, is first manifested in those dreams in our hearts.  It is time to dream again.  Dream again like a little girl, with no reservations and no fear.  I am an old lady now, but it is not to late for me to dream.  This is officially my No Fear, Dream and Vision, New Year.  Care to join me?

John 4:13-14 (HCSB)
13 Jesus said, “Everyone who drinks from this water will get thirsty again. 14 But whoever drinks from the water that I will give him will never get thirsty again—ever! In fact, the water I will give him will become a well of water springing up within him for eternal life.”

It's not depressing, it's liberating!

I painted this, remembering my first vision of Jesus as I looked through a viewfinder.  It's all a part of my story.  

I have been in love with a song for at least a year now, I think I heard it first on a trip in Ireland.  We sing now in my Ladies Bible Study on Tuesday mornings, it is called 24 Elders by Catherine Mullins (you can view it on youtube).  I am hungrier than ever for heaven.  In this broken place I find hope in heaven.  I breathe deeply in this sin stained world and as I exhale I know that I am one breath closer to heaven.  It's not depressing, it's liberating.  There is freedom in letting go of everything in this world and setting your heart on home.  The things that seemed so important, really aren't.  The pressure for perfection, released when we realize perfection is reserved for heaven. I am learning sometimes you have to be broken in order to be open to such thoughts.  To being radical about heaven, to really live intentionally with the hope of heaven as your guide.  I think about heaven, the four living creatures flying around the throne for all eternity crying Holy, Holy.  Worship from the throne, non stop.....because they never grow bored or weary of it.  The throne surrounded by a rainbow, The elders surrounded with the glory of God and it never grows dim because heaven is lit with God's glory.  These creatures continue to praise God because they continue to see something new every time they circle around the throne, His majesty is without end.

In the midst of this worship is the King.... all knowing and all powerful.  Who see's every heartbeat, pours out forgiveness upon His Beloved Bride, pursues the lost, and holds the universe in place. This is the King we worship, upon the throne surrounded by a rainbow and yet he chooses to live here in this dirty filthy world in a tabernacle of skin and bones.  I realize I am so unworthy of this honor and yet Christ has deemed me worthy.  Washed me clean with His Holiness. So as I inhale and exhale in this broken world I do my best to live for Him, to love Him, to be captured by His beauty, to share all that I know of Him with this world that He loves so much.... that He willingly died for it.  To bring His Kingdom here, to earth.  I don't yet know exactly what that looks like but bit by bit I see it coming and it is beautiful and lovely and everything I have ever dreamed of and it is liberating.

Revelation 4:1-11 (MSG)
1 Then I looked, and, oh!—a door open into Heaven. The trumpet-voice, the first voice in my vision, called out, "Ascend and enter. I'll show you what happens next."
2 I was caught up at once in deep worship and, oh!—a Throne set in Heaven with One Seated on the Throne,
3 suffused in gem hues of amber and flame with a nimbus of emerald.
4 Twenty-four thrones circled the Throne, with Twenty-four Elders seated, white-robed, gold-crowned.
5 Lightning flash and thunder crash pulsed from the Throne. Seven fire-blazing torches fronted the Throne (these are the Sevenfold Spirit of God).
6 Before the Throne it was like a clear crystal sea. Prowling around the Throne were Four Animals, all eyes. Eyes to look ahead, eyes to look behind.
7 The first Animal like a lion, the second like an ox, the third with a human face, the fourth like an eagle in flight.
8 The Four Animals were winged, each with six wings. They were all eyes, seeing around and within. And they chanted night and day, never taking a break: Holy, holy, holy Is God our Master, Sovereign-Strong, THE WAS, THE IS, THE COMING.
9 Every time the Animals gave glory and honor and thanks to the One Seated on the Throne—the age-after-age Living One—
10 the Twenty-four Elders would fall prostrate before the One Seated on the Throne. They worshiped the age-after-age Living One. They threw their crowns at the foot of the Throne, chanting,
11 Worthy, O Master! Yes, our God! Take the glory! the honor! the power! You created it all; It was created because you wanted it.

And they laugh at me....and that's ok.

And they laugh at me.
What else can they do?
They will not cry with me,
not while others might see.
They are brave, they are boys.
They will shake their heads at me,
and roll their eyes at me.
But inside they will cry.
We get to the car and I say,
I need a moment to cry.
It was just a movie, they say.
A true story, I reply.
Real story, real pain and I know that pain,
and so I cry.
I cry for the mothers, for the families, and the wives left behind.
I see my boys laughing while one is missing.
My heart smiles,
I laugh and cry at the same time.
It's a strange combination,
sorrow and joy flowing from the same heart.
And they laugh with me, loud boisterous laughter,
sorrow and joy flowing from us all.

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