Portrait of a Narcissist

Portrait of a Narcissist

We all wonder how anyone can be involved with a narcissist?  We all think we are smarter than that.  We think our intuition is spot on, but keep your guard up we are all at risk.  Don't ignore the warning signs. Once a liar, always a liar.  

Trust God, trust the signs and for God's sake trust your gut.  My faith was rocked, I can't lie but slowly my faith has been restored.  

My ex once said....

I will never talk to her again.  We have babies, please don't ruin our family.

He then left his family in a car while he called her from a pay phone to arrange a meeting.  Turns out over 24 years of marriage she says they saw each other at the very least twice a year. 

My ex once said.....

I wasn't looking at her that way, I was just being kind.  

My son then brought it up at the dinner table and my ex said, don't be silly I am just her Pastor. 

He slept with many women that he "pastored".

My ex once said....

You are so suspicious, you must not trust God. (Spiritual blackmail)

He was banned from my hair salon for making a pass at the masseuse.

My ex once said....

I just like Subway.

Accusations were made because his car was so often in front of a "massage parlor".

My ex once said....

This is how everyone does business.

He was almost thrown in jail for not paying payroll taxes and spending money from peoples 401k withholdings. 

My ex once said.....

He was just joking, just using truck stop humor with the women.  It didn't mean anything. 

In the end there were too many inappropriate, fishing comments to count. 

My ex once said....

He couldn't talk very much while he was at his Pastors Conference.

He had taken another woman to the conference and therefor he did very little at the actual conference.

My ex once said....

The porn on his computer was not his, but my son Justin's. 

Turns out it was the woman he took to the pastors conference sending him porn videos of herself. 

My ex once said....

Your son is just trying to hurt you, I have not had an affair.

He had an affair and it had gotten to my son through a hair dresser at a ice cream store.  

My ex once said....

He was not manufacturing drugs at his business.

The accusation did not seem believable at the time.  Now, who can know?

My ex once said....

I can raise the money, and then he charismatically did.  I was frowned upon for not having the faith to believe.  

Turns out he jumped in and bought a facility that tons of work and was not approved by the city.  That eventually catches up with you....or with your congregation.

My ex once said...

I disrespected him.  

I stood up against him and tried to warn others and they said I was lacking faith and being disrespectful to my husband. 

My ex once said....Okay maybe a million times.

I was crazy.

It worked for a long time, I believed I was crazy jealous looking for things that I was apparently making up in my head.  I doubted myself and my sanity.  

Then God woke me up and told me to walk into his study and there he was talking to another conquest. 

Everything suddenly fell in place.  All of my suspicions were correct.  Turns out he was/is the crazy one.  Pathological liar and narcissist. 

My ex once said....

She is just a single mother that he was helping out.

He later told me that she began coming to the church because he was seeing her, and she was the "one" that he really could have left me for. 

My ex once said....

Yes, I was flirty but I never slept with anyone.  I swear it. I need you to stand by me and support me.  This is just an attack from the enemy.  

Then he admitted to at least 7 sexual affairs.

My ex once said....

Churches did this all the time.

Then I realized it was illegal to run money through the church for personal gain.  I took over the books. 

My ex once said...

He meant to send the sexual picture to me.

Funny, how he sent it to someone else first. 

My ex once said...

I was very critical and negative.

This was when the scales began falling off and I was confronting him about his lies. 

My ex once said....

I was the love of his life.

Myself and many others apparently. 

My ex once said...

Even though we are not together I will always take care of you. 

Funny.

My ex once said...

He wanted to die because all of his preaching had been removed from online.  This was the most upset I had ever seen him.

My ex once said....

None of what happened was my fault.  I was a wonderful wife and partner he was just broken. 

To this day he still lies and explains to others that I made him feel like he wasn't enough and that the accusations were not true they were just misunderstandings.  

My ex once said....

You can chose alimony or I will help pay for our sons college. 

I chose my son. He didn't pay his part. 

My ex once said....

He loved me and wanted me back.

He got married a year later. 

My ex once said....You loved our life but didn't like me.

Turns out he was right.  I don't like him at all.  

Creating a new way!!

It's a funny thing, coming out of a life and creating a new one.  Of course when you walk through tragedy your life is forced to change.  The last few years have been intense change.  I am seeing myself from a new perspective, I look at my past as if I stand outside of it.  I suppose I do.  Like the rings of a tree I am developing and each ring looks somewhat different.  I am still that same tree yet this ring is far different from what I used to be.  The past was not bad and it has led me to this current season but the present is unfolding like the universe.  Showing me more than I can even absorb at times.  Truly seeing myself without all the bullshit that I have developed over the years to make me likeable, to hide my hurts, to hide my shame, to guard my heart and to be what others wanted in me.

This new me is focused on wellness, finding a path of holiness that is gentle and patient.  Letting go of religious beliefs and just focusing on God and the example of Jesus.  Seeking a path of self awareness and peace that I have never found in my life before.

Breaking off the old patterns and thoughts is hard work, I slip easily back into my natural thought patterns of chaos, defensiveness and self loathing.  However day by day I manage to find myself more, and in doing so I love myself more.  I am changing and some would say it is a bunch of "mumbo jumbo" and that's okay, I say it is an enlightenment of deeper understanding of faith and the healing power of belief to heal my mind, body and soul.  It doesn't mean I have it all together, in fact I am often overwhelmed as I try to grasp hold of change.  Just as often I am often happily surprised at how much peace I can feel about my life, my trust that all things are working together for the good.  I still battle fear and body image issues but somehow it is different, I have never been in this place before.  I have lost everything and survived and somehow that changes fear, you always know you will survive and even thrive.  I am still healing, I am still growing and I am still changing.  I hope I always change.

Change is the one thing we can count on in our lives, everything can change around us or we can choose to be the change within ourselves and in the world.  We can embrace change within and without.  I was never very adaptable but life has a way of changing that about us, if we let it.  I am adaptable now, a free spirit that can go with the flow.  Who knew that was possible?

Inside at my core I am still just me.  Same personality traits, same quirky personality, but I am trying new  things and more adventurous than ever.  I don't judge things as "unchristian".  I don't judge myself harshly.  I contemplate things, I think of what I know about Jesus, I think of what the Bible says about renewing our minds, believing the best and being healed and restored.  This is all right on track with yoga, mindfulness and meditation.  I dream of truly understanding the power of our minds as created by God.  I love others as an act of loving myself not as an act of earning love in return. 

I am trying to love myself well.  I used to think that was a ridiculous statement.  That we are all lovers of self, and I don't let myself go hungry after all.  On further thought what I recognized is that I have made choices that were starving my soul, not in my best interest at all.  I have learned to recognize there is a big difference in a survival mode self love and true self love that is driven by faith.  Self love should guide my decisions, challenge me and often brings me to tears as I recognize my betrayal of myself.  Self love is very integrated with my faith, and therefore faith factors into my decisions but not as rules but rather as relationship.   I have this guiding sense of love from the creator, if he can love me than surely I can love myself, and make the best decisions possible for myself in the light of grace.

It's not perfect, as a matter of fact sometimes I really "F" it up.  I still have some melt down moments.  However, I speak up about my emotions, apologize freely and ask for what I need rather than hope for it.  I pay attention to my triggers and try to dig into them to become free.  It is hard work.  Exhausting on some days but I believe it is necessary. I believe we can all grow and change and that is a scriptural principle.

If you have read this far, you must be interested so these are the goals I have added into my life.
Mindfulness practices:  Mindful eating when possible, practicing gratitude more, being self aware, listening to my inner dialogue and seeking to change it.  Intention, intention and more intention.
Yoga:  Finding peace and restoration through gentle restorative yoga.  I haven't moved to any hard stuff yet as I am still trying to hold onto my breath and just feeling my body without intrusive thoughts.
Writing:  As a form of self expression but also as a way to honor my story and keep my promises to myself.
Art:  Painting with passion.  I love teaching and it involves passion but often I am painting out of pleasing others such as commission work.  Developing mindful art journaling practices and teaching them to others.  Using art as a tool to help others feeds my soul.
Independence:  I am learning how to be interdependent while maintaining my autonomy.  Seeking to be interdependent(not dependent) with those I love and developing healthy boundaries.  If you know me well, you know this is not my strong suit.  I spent a lifetime being codependent and over invested in others.
Love:  Focusing on self love and grace.  I am intentionally feasting on love offered to me and the love of the creator.  Loving myself well on a daily basis actually includes all the items above as well.

This is all I can think of for now, but soon you will see some more changes in me and in this blog.  I hope you can embrace them, I hope they shed some type of light on your journey.  I hope they bring freedom and at the same time I hope you just DO YOU.  You are a beautiful soul, loved by the creator and are on your own very unique journey.  Pick up a little inspiration here (hopefully) but find your own way to strengthening and healing your body, soul and mind.

I can't thank you enough for reading this and joining me on this journey.  It's a new day.  Let's make it the best we can.

With much love and hope,
Debbie