Dating and my crazy life

Even grown up women send these 
types of pictures to dudes! Well maybe
not just like this but you get the idea. 
Dating is crazy weird when you are 50 (ok I am 52, whatever).

So here is a rambling unedited story of my misadventures in dating.  I am terrible at it, I mention unmentionable things that terrify dates, I like everyone but can't see myself with anyone, I self sabotage, run when I start feeling something, chicken out of meetings, can't sleep because I am terrified I am missing out on the right one, I want something that may very likely be impossible.

In the meantime, I am lonely.  Genuienly lonely for companionship, laughter, someone to share the details of my life with and someone who "gets me".  To know and to be known is how we were created, this driving passion for relationship is a God given desire.  I long for more meaningful relationships in my life and yet have little time to develop them.  It's quite the conundrum.
Or they send very doctored photos,
not that I am opposed to a little filter action
but I would like to not be afraid
of someone seeing the
real me.  

I am probably not that different from scores of other single women starting over on the second chapter of their lives.  I cannot even explain how different it is then when you are young, but I'll try.
  • When you are young, you think everything will work out.  The older wiser you knows some things just don't work out and that makes you more cautious or sometimes paralyzed.  Who me? 
  • When you are young you are motivated by attraction, when you are older you realize much of that stuff go bald, get bellys, grow hair out of their ears, etc.  Sure, marry someone you are attracted to but don't make it the main thing for the main thing.  
  • When you are young you have fairy tale dreams, older versions of princesses decide they don't need to be rescued, they just want to storm the gates with someone.
  • When you are young you can tell everything by a kiss, when you are starting over you know a kiss is just a kiss. It might be a really great one, but it is still just a kiss. 
  • When you are young you live wild and free, when you are older you want to live wild and free but owe to much to be wild and free, its only you paying the bills. 
  • When you are younger a make out session is just that a session, when you are older it feels more like a tryout.  Don't let me get started on the amount of men that think sex should be in the cards even if they are christians.  OOOHHH and also I know some of you are appalled that I would make out a bit but don't judge if you aren't in my shoes.  It's way harder than I ever thought it would be to stay on the right side of purity.  Jesus just doesn't quite fill the void in the physical realm and a little kissing is at least better than a lot.  
  • When you are younger men are drawn to you, now that I am older it seems I am slightly invisible. Of course it doesn't help that eighty percent of my demographic appears to be married and another twenty percent of those don't mind lying about it. 
  • When you are younger love is all you need, when you get my age love is what you want but you recognize you have needs such as stability, character, intelligence, humor, etc.  
  • When you are younger and you feel all tingly it's great, when you are my age you start to worry you are having a flare up of your neuroma.  
  • When you are younger you fight for love(often times in embarrassing, sad ways), when you are older you decide if he is not interested thats his loss. I am not interested in convincing anyone of how great I am.  It's eithr yay or nay people don't bother hanging out waiting for someone to see how awesome you are.  
  • When you are younger you hold your cards tighter(play games and try to bluff your way into things), when you are older you just show your hand and hope for the best.  Who has time to not be authentic at my age and with my crazy background.  
  • When you are younger there are millions of places to meet men, when you are my age its basically Home Depot or Starbucks.  I am honestly over caffenated and rarely meet men there.  I may have resting bitch face, not sure.  
  • When you are young anyone that comes onto you holds some promise, when you are halfway through your life that seems like a poor litmus test. 

Older, wiser has its benefits.  I have learned that I can be picky.  That it's ok to want more than ever before.  That what I want now, isn't close to what I used to want.  That I deserve what I want and what I need.

I wanted to go out on thirty dates, kind of a social experiment but got so disgusted I called it off at twelve.  When I hit the second slimy, "I can't tell you my full name guy" and then the "successful faith filled doctor" who was a mauler and very ungentlemenly I decided the social experiment was over.  I may be a bit jaded now.

It's not that I haven't met nice guys, I have.  It's just that I seem to have a bit of a goldilocks approach.  This ones too blah blah blah...this ones too serious blah blah blah...And theres sometimes strangely act like they are still in college.  It's fun to feel like you are young again with all the new experiences and a first time kiss but I want to feel like I am fun, adventurous and a tiny bit younger than I am(this is important as I seem to like men a bit younger than me) but I don't need to be twenty again.  I have learned my lessons, I don't need a repeat of the old.  I want to figure out the new.

So I am working on my dating skills by working on me.  Trying not to be fearful or insecure but resting in the peace that everything will happen in the right time.  Trying to face my staggering disappointment in humanity and reignite my passion for seeing the beauty of people, the resiliance, the forgiveness, the hope that we are all carriers of.  In the meantime I can only focus on me; my hope, my joy, my forgiveness, my resilence, it's the only part of the journey I can do...mine. I think when I can see it fully in myself I will be able to see it more clearly in others.  I think it will eventually restore all that was lost or maybe it will give me double for my trouble.  I do know that I like this version of me, this girl that fights for herself, as hard as she has fought for anyone else. 

Its going to take a special someone and he will have to be endorsed by God and given supernatural strength to stick with me through some of my stuff( you know I have stuff).  I think I am all better until I am not.  So, I guess I will keep trying in small increments. Slowly, cautiously, bravely, plodding along on this journey. 

                                        Love each of you for being part of my journey!

This is the real filter, no perfection, authentic

The Layers

You see her
but do you really see her
You see her but she cannot be defined
by what you see
the colors of her skin, her eyes, none of that defines her
You see her outward appearance but
it is what is under her skin that defines her
There you can see the beauty of strength
and the danger and the fear
There you see the layers of disappointment
and of great joy
There in the layers of her life
you see the past and the present
you see her heart that has bled out 
You see the love that flows from it
you see the warrior and the child
you see that she is every woman
and yet fiercly her own woman
You see her but you can't possbily know her
she is so much more than you can imagine
debbie hornsby

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