This encounter was on Jan 1, 2014. I journaled it right away. I have held unto it and it has carried me through. Still studying the implications.
I'm crying in the bathroom, suffering in the shower, alone where no one can hear the sobs. There is no reason to hold back here, in this solitude.
I cry out,
I just want my baby back.
To me, my twenty five year old son will always be my baby. My first born, my world changer.
I cry out to my God, seeking comfort, seeking answers.
I just want him back, I am repeating mindlessly in the shower between sobs.
It is just the gut wrenching reality of grief. I have done it too many times to count.
Crying, begging, wailing, talking, to God.
Surprisingly, this time He answers.
He wouldn't want to come back....
it hangs in the air, or in my mind but whatever it is, it stops me cold.
I rarely(if ever) hear the audible voice of God. To me this is shocking and borderline weird.
I am startled by the intrusion of my shower sanctuary.
I think about this piece of information, my son would not want to come back.
Why would he? This broken, tainted world compared to heaven's perfection.
I think about that....then I cry out,
Then, tell him I love him. Tell my baby, I love him.
Again, I hear the Lord.
He knows. If I know than he knows.
This melts my heart. What God knows my son knows.
Ask him to forgive me. Tell him I am sorry. I wish I would have done more.
He has and he knows, says my Lord and Savior.
There is unity in heaven. One mind, the mind of Christ still rules collectively, yet everyone remains individual. We can't grasp this, such a foreign notion. Heaven is a foreign land ruled by perfection not tainted by sin and division.
There is an open heaven. Just as the Martyrs are watching and the great cloud of witnesses there is an open heaven. Those who have gone before us know our love and our sorrow but somehow are untouched by the grief, because surely in the presence of the Lord they can see clearly that it is all for our good. In the presence of the Lord there is fullness of Joy. They know it is all so worth it, for the glory that is set before us.
This is no theological argument, some may take exception with my experience(please don't bother me with rude emails). However for someone out there to know, that their heart cries are heard by their loved ones it's important and worth the heat I may take.
We are challenged to have one mind, here on this earth. It stands to reason that work is complete in heaven and they(all of heaven) somehow have one mind. Again, can't even imagine it because I am so limited in the creativity of my mind.
Scripture says we are seated in the heavenlies....I don't even begin to get it but we are the body, united with the head. Christ being the head. In my mind that implies an open heaven. An implication that somehow when communicating with Jesus/God/Holy Spirit it is also communicated to all of heaven. To one unit and yet millions and millions of saints. They are one, one mind, one heart....one. The unity of the faith.
I can't wrap my mind around it, but I don't have to. I just know that the losses suffered here are a gain in heaven. Those who have cried out to Jesus, those who were to young to ever cry out, the unborn and the born are rescued fromt this wicked world and received into a glorious Kingdom. We can take comfort in that.
I can let go of wanting greater clarity and recognize that what I need is just simply greater trust. I can take Him at His word. I included some scripture just in case you would like to go a little deeper. To all my friends who mourn, our day will come. Grab ahold of hope and find some joy today. I love you all.