I see dead people.....

In the last few weeks I see dead people (well, actually just Justin).
Walking down the street, same height-same build....for just a moment my heart skips a beat.
I come walking out into the living room and I think Justin is asleep on the couch, he used to turn up like that crashed unexpectedly on our couch after he moved out. I see the shape there and my heart skips a beat.
Then I realize it's not Justin its a friend of Lukes.
I wonder why it's happening.
I hear a door shut late at night and for just a moment I am startled by the noise and then I think, he is home.
Then I remember He is not ever coming to this home again.
Sometimes I am afraid I am forgetting what he looks like.
I think he looks like a guy in the movie I am watching and I wonder why do I see him everywhere?
I suppose it is just wishful thinking.
All this loss and pain.
Just a moment of relief, thats what I am looking for....
something fixed, something whole, something restored....hope for a split second that it is all a mistake
The most difficult of circumstances....the loss of my boy,
Compounded by the loss of friends.
Betrayal at a level never before experienced.
Evil words said that can never be taken back.
We keep our mouths shut, God is our defender.
His timing could have been better.
Some rose to the occassion, others sunk to lower levels
but all revealed their hearts, thats what actions do.
Through it all we have learned, I have learned...
It's not my job to fix anything, it's my job to trust God.  Love people and trust God.
I am not the Holy Spirit and conviction is not my job...my job is love.
I am full of regrets and constantlly trying to rethink all that could have been different.
Scenarios, memories, conversations, all swirl around in my head on sleepless nights.
I know love is the answer to it all, I just can't seem to stop the maddening wheel of doubt and questions churning through my brain. What could I have done differently?
The sorrow is bearable most days but sometimes I wish I could just see him again for a minute.  I could just hold his hand, hear his laugh and hug him tight.
I feel so robbed of what could have been, there will be no turn around, no wedding, no grandchildren, no gray haired Justin to help me when I am old.
I am happy for those things in other's lives; weddings and new babies.  But sad too, for what could have been.
Every happy thing is tinged with a bit of sorrow, a reminder of loss.
Maybe I will always see him in the possibilities that could have been.
Maybe I will always grieve the loss of friends that shouldn't have been lost.
Maybe my idealized view of church life will forever be altered but maybe just maybe there is hope for it all.
Maybe hearts will be changed somewhere down the line, religous spirits will be overcome with grace filled hearts and community will mean more than ever before.
Maybe my heart will learn to forgive the largest of offences and in so doing will be set completely free.
Then one of those times when I think I see Justin....I really will because I will have stepped into eternity.  He will be waiting to greet me, of that much I am sure.
In the meantime I will probably just continue to see dead people(some that look like Justin and some that need  life in Jesus).
I will see them through eyes stained with the blood of Jesus and I will try to love them to life because that is what Justin would want.
There is room in this heart for the sorrow, joy and love because hope came to this earth and set us all free from death.  So I choose to live today to the best of my ability in JOY mingled with sorrow.  Making joy bigger by sheer willpower.



1 comment:

  1. Where do I begin, your words are beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. Keep writing, keep painting, it is all such a blessing. God has given you so many gifts, You are an amazing woman I feel blessed to know in some small way. I wish I could take your pain and in some small way make it less. Only our precious Savior can do that. One thing I would like to say to you is please never feel like you could have done anything different to change the outcome with you sweet Justin. You loved him with all your heart and I know he knew that. When that thought comes into your hear rebuke it and send it back to the pit of hell where it came from. We live in a world that is ruled by satan for now. Its why there is such pain and death and sorrow. That doesn't mean God is not in control, He is! God could have stopped this terrible tragedy from happening but if He did then he would have had to stop and intervene in all the terrible tragedies and injustices of this world because He is a fair and just God. But we do have HOPE and a promise from God that one day He will create a new heaven and earth where there is no sorrow or death and satan will be thrown into the pit, powerless! Your Justin LIVES!! He suffers no more and you will be with him again for all eternity. God weeps with you and feels the same pain you do over your loss. Continue to embrace Him and let Him carry you through this terrible loss and pain. Your hope lies in the promise that one day God will make all things right again and you will feel no more sorrow and pain and we will all be with our loved ones. People, the church, even our family will let us down and disappoint. God never will. He is the only constant. Keep pouring out your heart in all it's raw and painful and glorious words. God will use it for his glory and your healing. I love you sweet sister in Christ. You are a beautiful and precious instrument in his hands.

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