And one day, I just quit asking why.....

I am not even sure when it happened.  The question that had tormented me for months was gone.  The why didn't seem to matter anymore, just the who.  The "who" became more important.  Who, I am.  Who Justin is.  Who, Christ is in my life.  Starting to sound like an owl, I suppose but the "who" is the most important part. Who, who, who not why, why, why.....

Who Justin is.....a son, a brother, a jokester, a friend.  Loss is what we feel, but it is not "who" Justin is. Justin is redeemed (made new), found not lost, set free from the brokenness of this corrupted world, that is who he is right now.
Who am I....a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter, thankful and blessed.  Grieving is not "who" I am but it is what I am doing.  Who I am is a daughter of the Most High God, a broken vessel looking towards heaven and doing the best I can daily to honor God in this struggle between the broken places and the perfect place still to come.  
Who Christ is in me....Redeemer of all things, hope giving, life abundant, strength, grace and love all mixing together within me.  Pushing out the doubt and fear and flooding my heart with love.  When I turn back to the why's He gently points my thoughts toward Him.  He is perfect wisdom, knows all things, sees all things and because of that... I can believe all things are working toward my good.  That is Christ in me.

So here I am in a community that gives me space and grace to struggle.  I am learning to live in the "who" and not the "why".  To trust is my act of sacrifice.  To sacrifice "my" understanding and replace it with faith in a greater purpose.  He is redeeming all things, including my pain.  Thoughts swirl around inside my head and He gently reminds me to be at peace....remember who you are, to whom you belong.  The "who" is what's important.  Jesus asked the question, whom do you say I am?  I say, you are Lord and I trust your wisdom.

The pain doesn't go away, but it grows duller.  As I searched through pictures today, trying to find Easter pictures I cried.  The pain surfaced like a shark seeking to consume me, I let it take me under for a few minutes and then I felt the sweet peace of Jesus flood my heart.  The longing in my heart for Justin becomes a longing for heaven and I realize this is all about training for reigning.  For one day soon, we will reign over the redeemed earth and be reunited with those we love.   And then....my mind will be completely redeemed, no more swirling doubts and fears but instead constant, perfect peace.  Thank you Jesus for being the perfect, spotless sacrifice that opened heaven to my Justin and to myself.  Now, if you wouldn't mind to come back quickly I would really appreciate it.