So.....it was 3pm and I had my writers group at 7pm. Clench time, panic in the disco time, perfectionism goes bye bye time, mind games ramp up full speed and my approaching excuse for why I haven't written anything is completely escaping my mind. YIKES....So I sit at the computer and stare at the first line, the prompt. Tick, tock says the clock in my mind. Loser, yells the little girl in my head that used to taunt me in thrid grade. I shake my legs as I sit staring full of nervous energy. I put on worship music and decide to write with no thought of where it is going and no editing until completion. And this is what I got....a download that feels straight from heaven.
CAUTION: This is not a reflection of my story....though some of it is from my life experience. This could be anyone of us. Any woman struggling with the disappointment of life not going quite as you expected. The brutality of living in a fallen world can rip our faith to pieces, shred our hope and cause us to waver in our faith. This is written for all the brave women that want to pick up the pieces of this broken world and lovingly stitch it back together, stronger than ever. This is for all the questions that won't have answers this side of heaven, this is for all of us that are brave enough to dream of overcoming this messy, crisis riddled, beautiful world. This is for those who when the rubber hit's the road....when God doesn't answer the way we think He should, can still say...God you are good, it may just be a whisper in the midst of our storm but together we collectively become a roar. We won't give in, we won't cave to the fear.
You, my brave friends give me strength.
I hesitate to say it is fiction because it didn't just come from my imagination....I really believe it was inspired by God. I am sure He is a much better writer, but what can I say? He used a broken vessel that isnt' that great at grammer.
In that moment, she
realized, everything had changed..
She stretched, rolled
over and flipped her pillow. Just a few
blissful moments more, she thought to herself.
Breathing deeply beside her she could feel her husband’s presence almost
more than hear it. She scooted over
closer to him, curled her body up behind him.
She laid her head up against his back and could hear the gentle thumping
of his heart. This sound made her
happy. She sighed quietly to
herself.
Dreams, where was I
she thought…..she drifted off again…to a peaceful place. Here she was closest to heaven, here in these
disconnected thoughts that played through her mind she felt heaven as she drifted
off to sleep. Here was Jesus, spreading
His arms out in front of her much like He had in a view finder all those years
ago. Her memories crowded around Him, pain
and sorrow, laughter and joy it was all there her entire life. As she looked from the outside she could see
Jesus in the midst of it all. It wasn’t
arranged in time sequences, it was somehow just all there and He was somehow
there in it all.
Her on her bike, and her in the dirt beaten and bruised. It was all somehow visible with no time
constraints and as she looked she saw the face of Jesus. Joy filled his face as He made himself
visible to the little girl on the pink bike….he laughed at her shock of seeing
him and whispered to no one in particular, she needed a visitation from me it
will sustain her. Suddenly she saw Him
looking on another scene, this one she recognized. This one she hated.
Wake up, wake
up. NOOOO, nooo, nooo, She locks eyes with Jesus and He has
tears streaming down His face with a look of compassion that makes her feel
weak in the knees. I was there daughter;
I hated it as much as you hated it. Sin
given dominion, broken humanity hurting one another. He(the enemy) thought he could punish me
through you. Fallen humanity, my
creation became weapons one against the other.
This was never my plan. You were just a victim of a battle that has
already been won.
You see, look here, daughter.
He was pointing and the scenes began
spinning like a roulette wheel with the swipe of his finger and suddenly the
view was different, so very different.
Here she was comforting another with her story of abuse, Jesus laid his
hand on her arm and she felt the release of comfort go through her body and as
she watched she saw in a physical way, a release of comfort go through the
girl. The girls face framed with red
curls, awash with tears looked up into her face and as she watched the scene as
that of an outsider, she saw Jesus face illuminate on her own face and she saw
the girl come into knowledge of the love of the creator.
Instantaneously she
felt joy, she felt the joy of all of heaven and she fell to her knees, so
overcome by the glory of one coming into the fullness of Jesus. Jesus himself was weeping beside her with joy
and he whispered quietly….I turn all
things to the good.
He pushed the scene
just a bit further, it went blurry for just a moment and then suddenly it was a
hospital scene, the girl with the red curly hair was now dying. Some type of an accident, people surrounded
her bed, as she looked at the scene she instinctively knew these were the young
girls last moments. A Mother draped
across the bed weeping told the story of great loss.
Suddenly the room went still and the machines
went off and just as suddenly the girl with the red curly hair was there, wrapped in the arms of
Jesus. They were laughing and spinning
and the girl was clothed in a beautiful robe that glistened in many colors,
suddenly over Jesus shoulder the girls with the red curly hair locked eyes with
her. The laughing eyes, the beautiful
eyes that met hers were exquisite not the way she remembered them at all, full
of the most glorious light. The girl
simply mouthed the words, “thank you” with such genuine gratitude that her
heart began to swell.
She laid down
there, in that place of nowhere, outside of time and space as she knew it. A happiness she had never known washed over
me her and she continued to weep with this new understanding, this revelation
of pain used for God’s purposes. She
felt a warm hand on her shoulder and looked up into the face of Jesus. He spoke gently, You see daughter, I can take
what the enemy meant to destroy you and instead multiply the Kingdom. You have become my instrument and in you the
pain is redeemed into something beautiful.
I could see that she
would be lost through her suffering…. but you, you revealed my love, you became
the balm of Gilead and she became my daughter.
You could not see from the earthly realm the potential in the heavenly
realm. It is my heart, that none should
perish, I’m not speaking of this earthly home, for all shall die; that is the
curse of mankind. But it is my desire
that none shall be stolen from their heavenly home.
The enemy has taken enough; this is a season
of redemption and revival.
He continued, what you
call home is not your home, you are an alien there. An unwelcome enemy to the forces of darkness,
but I can turn what was meant as a curse into a force against darkness if you
let me. I can redeem what is meant to
destroy, and you can become a destroyer. Destroyer
of hopelessness, of helplessness, of doubt, of fear, you can bring light and
destroy the darkness that seeks to isolate and permeate those in this world.
He lifted her up and
the scene changed again and it was her children, laid out on a blanket under
the mimosa tree in the backyard. She is
lying with them looking up into the leaves, watching the pink flowers blow in
the breeze. The smell of the flowers
float across time and space and the scene becomes so very real to her she gasp. The oldest sits cross legged, one on his knee
and the youngest is lying flat on his back with his little toes straight up in
the air. Her boys. She can hear her voice, she is talking about
heaven. The oldest ask about dogs in
heaven. That’s a good question she tells
him. But she doesn’t know the answer. She tells him, whatever it is, it is going
to be good. She rolls over and they
start pushing cars around on the blanket with the middle boy. So engrossed in the scene she can feel the
cool breeze, feel the contentment and love in that moment. She looks at Jesus standing there beside her,
I don’t remember this, she says. He grabs her hand and says, I remember.
He pulls her clockwise
and the scene blurs away and suddenly she is looking at a new scene. It’s their pond and there lying beside it is
her son with two small children. They
are in the grass looking up at the sky and he is telling them about
heaven. That they have an uncle in
heaven, treasure in heaven he says. He
tickles them and says that one day we will all be there together. The little girl grabs his face between her
hands and says, “I see Jesus in the clouds Daddy, do you see him?”. Her son looks up at the sky and squints his
eyes, shrugs his shoulders. No, he reply’s, but I know He is there….and he
tickles her some more.
She looks up into the
sky in the direction the little girl was looking and see’s Jesus too. The same Jesus she saw in the viewfinder when
she was a six year old little girl on a pink bike.
He is there in the vision and he is here holding her hand, how is that
possible?
He squeezes her hand
and chuckles. I AM everywhere and those
that look will always find me in some form or another. I was there with the old woman that told you,
you would write books and I was there when you screamed and cried in your car
and suddenly saw heaven breakthrough in the clouds. I was the stranger that passed by and gave
you a word, I was the friend that held you up when you couldn’t stand on your
own. I was the voice in the mind of
another that told them to send a book. I
AM everywhere and have always been with you.
Suddenly she is
staring straight into her grandma’s living room. There sits her grandpa in his rocking chair
with his TV tray in front of him and beside him is her grandma and she is young
and lovely and she can’t even remember her looking this young. She is holding a swaddled baby and rocking
the baby. She hears her say, hello sweet
thing. Hello Debbie my darlin, you shall
move mountains. Jesus says you can do
all things.
Her grandma is holding
her ….she feels for a split second how safe this place is, how warm this feels. Her Mother comes in the room and asks her
grandma how church was and the Grandma replies, it was just fine and this
little one never made a peep. Slept through the whole thing like an angel. She is awed by the scene, she goes to step
closer, to touch her grandparents….
Jesus stops her
forward motion with his hand on her arm, you cannot go back.
With me you can see
all things but only from a distance and you can never step into that time and
space again. He spins the scene again,
colors whirl by, faces come in and out of view, smells that remind her of
something…fire she smells fire.
It’s smoky and cloudy
and she is frantically praying around her yard, the sky is covered in ash and
she is proclaiming that the fire will not take the house. Now clearly, she sees the host of angels
surrounding the house, everywhere she had prayed they were stationed. The
smoke is burning her eyes, and she can see the fire coming over the hill, there
is panic written all over her face and Jesus releases something towards her,
the her that is in the vision, suddenly
supernaturally calms.
Just as quickly the
scene rotates again and this time…..
It is just Jesus and
her, standing face to face, hand in hand.
You are my bride, my
love, for you I gave my life. Not for
you to live on an earth broken and tarnished by sin, not so you could endure
the pain of humanity, not some cruel twist of fate, but so that you will be
able to enjoy the fruit of a life well lived.
Eternity is your home, your place is beside me and every pain and
heartache was an experience with the fall of man, but every glimmer of joy,
every laugh, every smile, every accomplishment, every hopeful breath, every
dream, was a moment of collision with heaven.
I have been with you, and will always be with you.
You will not
understand some of what you will walk through, but I stand and see past,
present and future all at one time. I have 360 degree vision. I see the eternal value in life’s lessons. Trust me daughter; to do what is best for you
and your generations to come.
We will win the earth
back, heaven will come to earth and you will understand that what you did for
the least of these you did for me. Your
pain has not been wasted, you can’t see its value but I have parlayed it into
something that makes you stronger and more equipped not just for you, but for
your family, for your legacy. No
soldiers fights a battle without training and no soldier goes to battle without
experiencing the gut wrenching reality of casualties, but I have taken the
sting of death away and what seems to be the worst possible outcome is now the
best possible outcome.
You will plunder the
spoils of hell and your experiences will populate heaven. You think it is not noteworthy, but you miss
the vision of your bridegroom. I
celebrate the one as much as I celebrate the thousands. You have an assignment;
your calling can’t compare to anyone else or be judged based on what the human
eye can see. Your assignment will be
played out for generations and you yourself will watch from heaven to see the
fulfillment of the dreams and visions you had.
Daughter, don’t be
short sighted. Every action, every
wound, every bullet taken, every smile shared, it all is part of my eternal
plan. You cannot understand completely,
but today I have taken your hand and given you a glimpse…. You continue to
cower from the thought of pain but those that are most effective in my Kingdom
work are those who are willing to lay down their comfort and run toward the pain
surrendered to me and my purposes.
Now the question is
daughter, would you say yes to the pain in order to have the gain in heaven? I did, will you? And with that she was enveloped in a ripping
pain that felt as though her skin was being peeled off, a crushing blow to her
side and she was screaming and kicking and tangled up and gasping for air.
Her husband was
shaking her…wake up, wake up…and as everything came into focus for what felt
like the first time….In that moment everything had changed, that moment between
waking and sleeping had changed everything and yes, yes she was willing.
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