Creating a new way!!

It's a funny thing, coming out of a life and creating a new one.  Of course when you walk through tragedy your life is forced to change.  The last few years have been intense change.  I am seeing myself from a new perspective, I look at my past as if I stand outside of it.  I suppose I do.  Like the rings of a tree I am developing and each ring looks somewhat different.  I am still that same tree yet this ring is far different from what I used to be.  The past was not bad and it has led me to this current season but the present is unfolding like the universe.  Showing me more than I can even absorb at times.  Truly seeing myself without all the bullshit that I have developed over the years to make me likeable, to hide my hurts, to hide my shame, to guard my heart and to be what others wanted in me.

This new me is focused on wellness, finding a path of holiness that is gentle and patient.  Letting go of religious beliefs and just focusing on God and the example of Jesus.  Seeking a path of self awareness and peace that I have never found in my life before.

Breaking off the old patterns and thoughts is hard work, I slip easily back into my natural thought patterns of chaos, defensiveness and self loathing.  However day by day I manage to find myself more, and in doing so I love myself more.  I am changing and some would say it is a bunch of "mumbo jumbo" and that's okay, I say it is an enlightenment of deeper understanding of faith and the healing power of belief to heal my mind, body and soul.  It doesn't mean I have it all together, in fact I am often overwhelmed as I try to grasp hold of change.  Just as often I am often happily surprised at how much peace I can feel about my life, my trust that all things are working together for the good.  I still battle fear and body image issues but somehow it is different, I have never been in this place before.  I have lost everything and survived and somehow that changes fear, you always know you will survive and even thrive.  I am still healing, I am still growing and I am still changing.  I hope I always change.

Change is the one thing we can count on in our lives, everything can change around us or we can choose to be the change within ourselves and in the world.  We can embrace change within and without.  I was never very adaptable but life has a way of changing that about us, if we let it.  I am adaptable now, a free spirit that can go with the flow.  Who knew that was possible?

Inside at my core I am still just me.  Same personality traits, same quirky personality, but I am trying new  things and more adventurous than ever.  I don't judge things as "unchristian".  I don't judge myself harshly.  I contemplate things, I think of what I know about Jesus, I think of what the Bible says about renewing our minds, believing the best and being healed and restored.  This is all right on track with yoga, mindfulness and meditation.  I dream of truly understanding the power of our minds as created by God.  I love others as an act of loving myself not as an act of earning love in return. 

I am trying to love myself well.  I used to think that was a ridiculous statement.  That we are all lovers of self, and I don't let myself go hungry after all.  On further thought what I recognized is that I have made choices that were starving my soul, not in my best interest at all.  I have learned to recognize there is a big difference in a survival mode self love and true self love that is driven by faith.  Self love should guide my decisions, challenge me and often brings me to tears as I recognize my betrayal of myself.  Self love is very integrated with my faith, and therefore faith factors into my decisions but not as rules but rather as relationship.   I have this guiding sense of love from the creator, if he can love me than surely I can love myself, and make the best decisions possible for myself in the light of grace.

It's not perfect, as a matter of fact sometimes I really "F" it up.  I still have some melt down moments.  However, I speak up about my emotions, apologize freely and ask for what I need rather than hope for it.  I pay attention to my triggers and try to dig into them to become free.  It is hard work.  Exhausting on some days but I believe it is necessary. I believe we can all grow and change and that is a scriptural principle.

If you have read this far, you must be interested so these are the goals I have added into my life.
Mindfulness practices:  Mindful eating when possible, practicing gratitude more, being self aware, listening to my inner dialogue and seeking to change it.  Intention, intention and more intention.
Yoga:  Finding peace and restoration through gentle restorative yoga.  I haven't moved to any hard stuff yet as I am still trying to hold onto my breath and just feeling my body without intrusive thoughts.
Writing:  As a form of self expression but also as a way to honor my story and keep my promises to myself.
Art:  Painting with passion.  I love teaching and it involves passion but often I am painting out of pleasing others such as commission work.  Developing mindful art journaling practices and teaching them to others.  Using art as a tool to help others feeds my soul.
Independence:  I am learning how to be interdependent while maintaining my autonomy.  Seeking to be interdependent(not dependent) with those I love and developing healthy boundaries.  If you know me well, you know this is not my strong suit.  I spent a lifetime being codependent and over invested in others.
Love:  Focusing on self love and grace.  I am intentionally feasting on love offered to me and the love of the creator.  Loving myself well on a daily basis actually includes all the items above as well.

This is all I can think of for now, but soon you will see some more changes in me and in this blog.  I hope you can embrace them, I hope they shed some type of light on your journey.  I hope they bring freedom and at the same time I hope you just DO YOU.  You are a beautiful soul, loved by the creator and are on your own very unique journey.  Pick up a little inspiration here (hopefully) but find your own way to strengthening and healing your body, soul and mind.

I can't thank you enough for reading this and joining me on this journey.  It's a new day.  Let's make it the best we can.

With much love and hope,
Debbie