The truth is ugly sometimes

The Truth is Ugly Sometimes


It's been a minute since I blogged and I have changed.  I have changed and yet I am the same.  I see the past differently now.  I was in survival mode.  Here is the Readers Digest version.  In the last seven years, one of my sons was shot, one of my sons overdosed on heroin and my Pastor/ex husband confessed to having at least 6 affairs (in my count there are many more), I lost my son, church family, husband and job all within roughly a year and half.    During the last 5 years I have been a caregiver (short stints) for my stepmother who passed away from cancer three years ago and my Step Dad (alzheimers/Lewy Bodies Dementia).  I hate the word step, sounds so cheap and does not represent the depth of love I had for each of them, they  had each been in my life for close to forty years.  I have been gently pulling away the layers for the last five years.  Pushing through the trauma and trying to recover.  Leaning on my faith and at the same time at war with it.  I have been healing little by little but still have so far to go.  I could just ignore it, stuff it, stay busy and think I have overcome.  I could say all the right spiritual things, all the right counseling things, it comes very naturally to me but that would be inauthentic.  The truth is that I am still really messed up, still angry, still confused and still shocked.  Yes, all this time and I am still shocked.

So that is the short version of my trauma story, but today I want to write about the reality of my life.  The shocking truth I am beginning to see about me, myself and I. 

Let me preface this by saying, I am not a victim.  I don't want pity.  I want awareness and the ability to communicate my struggle in a vulnerable authentic way that can help others navigate through their pain.  I will not let this pain be wasted, I am a student of it and want to be a master of the pain not the other way around.  I just feel that maybe, hopefully my honesty can somehow redeem my pain so that it gives hope to others. 

That pain still cycles around in my head even though I thought I was over it.  Even though I know it was the best thing for me, I am left with questions and doubt.  How could I have not seen what was happening?  When is it right to stop believing the best?  What did I do to my children by living in this house built of lies.  My unforgiveness ravages my heart,  it is rarely directed outward but always inward.  My brain loops through all the signs I missed, all the comments and accusations.  It rest miserably on comments from my oldest boy who literally told me what a horrible person my ex was.  I chose to believe the ex over my child.  My Justin, who told me that my husband, his stepfather was a cheater and a liar.  He told me and I believed he was just a jealous teenager.  It caused a rift, that I never had the opportunity to repair. 
It is the greatest regret of my life. 

So now I am coming a bit out of the trauma fog, feelings and memories are stronger and memories string themselves together and begin to make sense to me.  That is the hard part, the sudden revelations of betrayal.  Betrayal of myself with my ignorant Pollyanna view.  Betrayal of myself when doubt and confusion rang out and I allowed myself to be gas-lighted, convinced that I was the crazy one.  I was the nonspiritual one.  Let that sink in....the wife that was believing the best and living in hope while the ex was leading a church and preying on it's vulnerable women.  That is what happens, he chose me because I was vulnerable and weak.  I idolized him and that fed his ego but I grew stronger as I grew in the Lord.  I learned about idols and traded my worship of him in for worshiping God.  He wanted a partner that would make him look good but not excel past him or call him on his sin.  As time went by I didn't need him enough, I didn't idolize him enough so he had to find other vulnerable women that he could try to rescue and therefore feed his ego.  It is so easy to see now.  The pattern, the pushing away and pulling me back. The years of deception, he claimed he didn't cheat for two years when my children were babies.

I was immersed in a pattern of lies and doubt for twenty three years.  You don't just shake that off.  I was a strong faith driven woman and yet this man had the ability to trap me with his lies and convince me that there was nothing going on.  I loved the Lord, gave of myself to the ministry and yet still was blinded to the truth.  How odd it seems to me that I could have lived in the light of Jesus and still been in the dark of deception.  Where was God my defender?  Is it that somehow all of this is making me a better person?  I wish that I could see behind the curtain, that I could understand why?  I want to scream sometimes just as Jesus did, "My God, why have you forsaken me?"

I know all the right things...There is no scripture to share with me that I haven't thought of.  Yet, the thorn in my flesh bleeds daily.  The pain sits quietly in the background.  The disappointment cloaks my mind in doubt of the creators love.  I do the right things and I say the right things but my heart is armored up and locked down.  I am unsure if I can ever love fully again, ever trust again.  I live in a low level panic of "when is the next shoe going to drop".  When will the rug be pulled out from under me.

Don't get me wrong, I love big when I feel safe.  I have made new friends, new relationships and I love them.  However, feeling safe is not easy anymore.  Feeling safe is work, it is tedious and exhausting because the reality is that we are never safe.  All I can do is trust God and that does not come that easily, when it comes to my heart.  I know perfect love cast out fear But I can't seem to figure out how to cast it out.  I want the Lord to cast it out, I want the Lord to untangle the web of memories, emotions, soul damage and unhealthy thought patterns.   I really do,  but the grip I have is so tight I don't seem to be capable of letting go. I am trapped in this dark, angry place and it is ugly, my anger is ugly and I am scared.

I wrote the above part almost three months ago.  I had to quit because it lead me into a deep dark place.  A desert place in my faith where I wandered for far too long.  That desert place that I honestly had never felt before.  I felt disconnected from my God, I felt that he had left me.  My faith was challenged and my heart was hard.  The darkness fell as hopelessness over my mind.  The battle in my mind raged and my identity was challenged.  I was deeply depressed, overcome with fear and doubt about everything in my life, including God.  It was perhaps one of the toughest mind places I have ever been, I was tormenting myself with circular thinking and fearful thoughts.  Punishing myself for being depressed, which is not at all helpful.  As always the darkness eventually gave way to light.

Who am I now? That is the question to ask when you find your way out of the desert place.  For so long I knew exactly who I was, but that had all been stripped away.  The tattered pieces of that life were no longer surrounding me and I found myself at a loss.  A great grieving came over me for the life that I had lost.  Why did it come so long after I left, I am not sure.  Maybe it was because so much was suddenly changing around me.  I suppose that could have been the trigger.  It also could have been the fact that Covid 19 halted my busy life and all I had for a while were my thoughts.  My mind fed on memories and the defeat of it all.  The darkness clouded out the love of God, the feelings of injustice raged in my heart and I forgot who I was.  I was not a Pastor's wife, that had never been who I was.  That had been my job, and I loved it.  Being a Pastor and a Pastor's wife was a honor for me but it was not who I was. 

I was a woman who loved God and loved others, I am a woman who loves God and others.  This darkness, this desert place did not kill me or convince me to give up on God instead what the enemy meant for my destruction became a springboard for me to level up in my relationship with God.  To once again feel the gratitude that God loves me no matter my attitude or awful anger towards Him.  My identity is solid, unchanging, beautiful and glorious for it is not me but Christ who lives in me. 


Whatever the cause, it has passed.  I did what I have always told others to do.  I reached out to others for help, I got counseling and I prayed.  I prayed authentic awful truth to my God who gently applied the balm of Gilead to my wounds.  I fell once again in love with Jesus as I realized He had not deserted me to the darkness, He had been teaching me in that darkness that being away from Him was intolerable.  He was showing me my own darkness and allowing me to feel how wretched my heart had gotten.  Yet, he was also revealing to me that even the ugliest thoughts,feelings, emotions and actions I had where not enough to drive Him away. 
I sit here weeping as I write, remembering how I first fell in love with Jesus and realizing I am once again in that place of awe and revelation. 
Nothing I can do will change who I am in Christ, my religion and judgement didn't help the cause of Christ it restrained it.  This new place is a continuing place on my journey to total freedom.  Not token freedom but true freedom.

This is a new place for me, that is true but I know exactly who I am.  I am excited about this new season, filled with hope for what's to come.  I have been through hell and I have come out different but I believe with all my heart I have come out more like Jesus,  though to the outer world it may not look like their definition or expectation.  In my heart I know it is true,  I can see Him laughing at me and calling me into deeper waters to ride waves of joy and laughter and in my heart I run to swim with him because once again I trust Him.  My judgement of myself is over, grace is my choice.  The old ways of rules and earning  love, they have passed away and I am once again a new creation.  I pray I can stay in this sweet spot, this love fest with the Lord for a long time.  However, I also know hard things come but I have learned how to walk through the desert I will not set up camp there again.  I pray to continue living and moving from glory to glory with less and less entanglement of this world.  Love myself and love others, that is my goal and in Christ I can do that.  Honestly that is enough.  I hope this fills your heart and can help guide you through a desert time to a higher level of grace and freedom.  For there is not freedom without grace.  

With much hope and love,

Debbie

Creating a new way!!

It's a funny thing, coming out of a life and creating a new one.  Of course when you walk through tragedy your life is forced to change.  The last few years have been intense change.  I am seeing myself from a new perspective, I look at my past as if I stand outside of it.  I suppose I do.  Like the rings of a tree I am developing and each ring looks somewhat different.  I am still that same tree yet this ring is far different from what I used to be.  The past was not bad and it has led me to this current season but the present is unfolding like the universe.  Showing me more than I can even absorb at times.  Truly seeing myself without all the bullshit that I have developed over the years to make me likeable, to hide my hurts, to hide my shame, to guard my heart and to be what others wanted in me.

This new me is focused on wellness, finding a path of holiness that is gentle and patient.  Letting go of religious beliefs and just focusing on God and the example of Jesus.  Seeking a path of self awareness and peace that I have never found in my life before.

Breaking off the old patterns and thoughts is hard work, I slip easily back into my natural thought patterns of chaos, defensiveness and self loathing.  However day by day I manage to find myself more, and in doing so I love myself more.  I am changing and some would say it is a bunch of "mumbo jumbo" and that's okay, I say it is an enlightenment of deeper understanding of faith and the healing power of belief to heal my mind, body and soul.  It doesn't mean I have it all together, in fact I am often overwhelmed as I try to grasp hold of change.  Just as often I am often happily surprised at how much peace I can feel about my life, my trust that all things are working together for the good.  I still battle fear and body image issues but somehow it is different, I have never been in this place before.  I have lost everything and survived and somehow that changes fear, you always know you will survive and even thrive.  I am still healing, I am still growing and I am still changing.  I hope I always change.

Change is the one thing we can count on in our lives, everything can change around us or we can choose to be the change within ourselves and in the world.  We can embrace change within and without.  I was never very adaptable but life has a way of changing that about us, if we let it.  I am adaptable now, a free spirit that can go with the flow.  Who knew that was possible?

Inside at my core I am still just me.  Same personality traits, same quirky personality, but I am trying new  things and more adventurous than ever.  I don't judge things as "unchristian".  I don't judge myself harshly.  I contemplate things, I think of what I know about Jesus, I think of what the Bible says about renewing our minds, believing the best and being healed and restored.  This is all right on track with yoga, mindfulness and meditation.  I dream of truly understanding the power of our minds as created by God.  I love others as an act of loving myself not as an act of earning love in return. 

I am trying to love myself well.  I used to think that was a ridiculous statement.  That we are all lovers of self, and I don't let myself go hungry after all.  On further thought what I recognized is that I have made choices that were starving my soul, not in my best interest at all.  I have learned to recognize there is a big difference in a survival mode self love and true self love that is driven by faith.  Self love should guide my decisions, challenge me and often brings me to tears as I recognize my betrayal of myself.  Self love is very integrated with my faith, and therefore faith factors into my decisions but not as rules but rather as relationship.   I have this guiding sense of love from the creator, if he can love me than surely I can love myself, and make the best decisions possible for myself in the light of grace.

It's not perfect, as a matter of fact sometimes I really "F" it up.  I still have some melt down moments.  However, I speak up about my emotions, apologize freely and ask for what I need rather than hope for it.  I pay attention to my triggers and try to dig into them to become free.  It is hard work.  Exhausting on some days but I believe it is necessary. I believe we can all grow and change and that is a scriptural principle.

If you have read this far, you must be interested so these are the goals I have added into my life.
Mindfulness practices:  Mindful eating when possible, practicing gratitude more, being self aware, listening to my inner dialogue and seeking to change it.  Intention, intention and more intention.
Yoga:  Finding peace and restoration through gentle restorative yoga.  I haven't moved to any hard stuff yet as I am still trying to hold onto my breath and just feeling my body without intrusive thoughts.
Writing:  As a form of self expression but also as a way to honor my story and keep my promises to myself.
Art:  Painting with passion.  I love teaching and it involves passion but often I am painting out of pleasing others such as commission work.  Developing mindful art journaling practices and teaching them to others.  Using art as a tool to help others feeds my soul.
Independence:  I am learning how to be interdependent while maintaining my autonomy.  Seeking to be interdependent(not dependent) with those I love and developing healthy boundaries.  If you know me well, you know this is not my strong suit.  I spent a lifetime being codependent and over invested in others.
Love:  Focusing on self love and grace.  I am intentionally feasting on love offered to me and the love of the creator.  Loving myself well on a daily basis actually includes all the items above as well.

This is all I can think of for now, but soon you will see some more changes in me and in this blog.  I hope you can embrace them, I hope they shed some type of light on your journey.  I hope they bring freedom and at the same time I hope you just DO YOU.  You are a beautiful soul, loved by the creator and are on your own very unique journey.  Pick up a little inspiration here (hopefully) but find your own way to strengthening and healing your body, soul and mind.

I can't thank you enough for reading this and joining me on this journey.  It's a new day.  Let's make it the best we can.

With much love and hope,
Debbie

My Justin: Boy Wonder and Snake Charmer

I have refined the poetry just a bit.

My Justin:  Boy Wonder and Snake Charmer

If you have a child who struggles wtih addiction or mental illness, if you have lost a child to addiction  or mental illness, you will recognize the swirl of love and pain that is introduced through cycles of abuse. I am sharing this for you.  That you will know that all your feelings are normal, that the anger you cannot shed is normal, that you can at once be angry with your child and yet never let go of the love you feel for them.  That you can dislike their behavior and weep bitterly over their decisions.  That is a part of your love for them and your hope for them.   It simply means you are sitting in the pain of their consequences and their decisions, are a betrayal of the hope you hold for them.  Whatever the range of emotions, there is no shame in them.  Love hurts when you have an addicted or mentally ill child.  
I will forever believe my Justin was bi-polar and self medicating, unfortunaltely we were not able to see that in the middle of the storm nor was it as openly addressed as it is now.  Thank God that now many children like my Justin, will be able to receive the care they need.   I am grateful as I watch the narrative of mental illness and addiction change and the stigma and shame beginning to be removed.

I have never shared this because I felt such shame at the depth of diappointment and anger displayed in it.  I felt as though I was betraying his memory in some way or even that it showed too much of my pain.  The thought of sharing it made me feel deeply vulnerable to judgement.  I, like so many of us who have children struggling, was reticent to share my pain out of fear that others would not understand it. That others would offer opinions of what I should have done, could have done, what they would have done, etc.  This side of the story was isolating and shameful.  While my son was alive I had already had someone plant a deep seed of shame in my heart and I had no desire to revisit it.  As a matter of fact I have worked hard to uproot it from my heart.  To rewrite that narrative with the grace it deserves.  Somehow I  wanted to preserve a memory of Justin that portrayed all the good times but the truth is there was a pain that will forever be a part of our story.  That pain does not devalue the love I had for him.

I journaled this a month or so after the death of my son from an accidental overdose.  Please don't allow his death to rob you of hope for your child.  The odds are good for overcoming many addictions especially with all the new treatments available.  Please continue to love big and hold hope in your heart.  Do everything you can each day that is all you can do.  Take care of you, have good boundries but love freely.  Get the help you need to see truth in the situation but never let go of hope.

My hope has always been centered around heaven and I hope you can see that in the midst of this tangled web of emotions.  I hope it honors his goodness and his struggle.  I pray it sheds light on the pain of a mother and her love for her child. I hope somehow it helps someone to let go of shame and step into light.  I pray it brings revelation and a letting go of judgements.

May this bring comfort to your soul and peace in your grief. 

Justin
He was a boy wonder and a snake charmer.
He was the first and a superstar.
He was sticky sweet like candy and he was poison.
He was the laughter of thousands and the weeping of a mother.
He was a master magician and a disappearing act.
He was a roller coaster and a sink hole.
He was a lover and a fighter.
He was a little boy and yet a giant.
He was broken and fully functioning.
He was the brightest star and the moonless darkest night.

He was a boy wonder, a manchild and the hope of a mother,
He was the joy of a father, a brother, a grandson and a cousin.
He was my son hard and twisted and light and love,
He was hope and darkness all rolled into one.

He was my baby and my heart shattering pain.
He was my greatest joy and my greatest failure.
He was my hope of victory and the devastation of terrifying nights.
He was struggling imperfection and tormented beyond understanding.

He is perfection and no struggling.
He is every bit of wonderful and no more pain.
He is my longing and my joy.
He is my hope of heaven and my boy.


Be comforted friends in every season with the hope of heaven.  None of us are alone in our pain, but often it can feel that way.  Please share this with those you might know that are struggling with this type of pain.  I long to see my pain redeemed through helping others. 

We live in hope,
Debbie

A moment that changed everything

A Moment that Changed Everything

I remember the call.  The disbelief.  The panic of his Father on the other end of the line.  He just walked in and found him like that, unconscious.  I think he's dead, he said.  They are working on him, the EMT’s.  They are doing CPR.  He is giving me a description of all that is happening. I am listening intently, my husband and I are listening on the phone and we are praying. He is calling from his phone because mine is going dead....I am screaming at Justins Dad....don’t let them quit working on my boy!  My mind is racing, I can see it all in my head. We  are disconnected, my phone goes dead.  I am sobbing great breaths, Darrik is there....my boys.  My thoughts are racing, where is Jacob?  Luke is at school he will be home soon. My mind is racing through a thousand scenarios. 

We are back on the phone with Larry, Justin is unresponsive.  He describes whats happening.  I fall to my knees, sick to my stomach in unbelief.  I tell Darrik, call someone to get people praying....calls are going out but I am numb, glued to a phone listening to my ex husband sob and mumble about what is happening.  It all boils down to a moment...time stands still...they are taking my boy away.

Larry says they are still working on him....but I know, it’s been to long.  He says they didnt turn the siren on and somewhere in my mind I know, I just know.  Im gonna throw up.  I stumble to the bathroom and reach out to steady myself pulling the toilet cover down onto my face. I throw up, then reach up to feel the bump rising on my face.

My boys come home, sobbing disbelief fills my home.  We don't know for sure I keep saying, pray for a miracle.  We stand in a circle and pray for a miracle. My husband of twenty years cries beside me.  He who is always strong crumbles, my boys unravel...Larry calls, our boy is gone.  Our son is gone, their brother is gone.  There is no miracle.

The unexpected has happened.  Our world suddenly implodes.  People come, the house is full and calls are made.  I sit. I sit where I always sit, at the kitchen table.  My brain goes into slow motion.  I think I must be dreaming, I long to slap myself awake but I know that is just wishful thinking.  I am awake, this is really happening.  Where is Jesus?  I am screaming inside my head while people play busy all around me.  Quiet whispers, uncomfortable pauses, no one knowing quite what to say. Children sitting among us peculiarly quiet.  Tears running silently down my face.  I need Jesus, I need a scripture....I can't think, i just can’t think. 

Suddenly, they are just there.  In the sea of compassionate and loving faces, they float on the surface.  They bring kleenix and a basket of goodies, packed with the wisom of those that know.  They, whom we had helped five years before when their son had gone on to heaven.  Now, they were here.   Head on shoulders, sobs coming...they don't have answers but they do have hope.  They carry sorrows scars, but they are still among the living.  How, how could you bear this kind of pain?  I can't do it, I tell them.  Yes, yes you can.  The grace will carry you through.

Unexpectedly we share something, something horrible and devastating.  We worship together and then they share a verse as only they could.

57 The righteous man perishes, and no one lays it to heart; and merciful and devout men are taken away, with no one considering that the uncompromisingly upright and godly person is taken away from the calamity and evil to come [even through wickedness].

2 He [in death] enters into peace; they rest in their beds, each one who walks straight and in his uprightness.  

Isaiah 57:1-2

Immediately I question how that verse can fit my son’s situation, a struggling drug addict that loved God and died with a needle in his arm.  He wasn't righteous...and then clearly I hear Jesus whisper in my soul...My righteousness is enough, Justin was clothed in my righteousness.  He died a sinner saved by grace. 

I sigh, I breathe again.  My son, rescued from the evil to come.  This I can wrap my mind around, this I can hold unto.  These fellow strugglers, these friends, planted the hope needed to survive this first initial shock. 

Sleep came, fitful tear filled sleep and as soon as I began to rise to the surface of lucidity I am jolted awake by reality.  Anxiety crashes in and with my heart beating, palms sweating I rise and thus begins a long journey of choices.  We choose, and by we I mean us.  Those who are left behind to struggle through the pain that can't be healed, the grief that paints everyday with new meaning. 

The redemptive work of Christ is often a violent work.  Desolate, desert times and brutal times of attack fill the stories of real life people from the Bible.  Shipwrecks, beatings, fear, isolation and false accusations preceed victory throughout the Bible.  Our own Jesus through death brought Victory over death.  Pain is never wasted in scripture but used to bring forth growth, establish trust in His goodness and propel us to new victories.  You see life will never be perfect, but God is.  My life will never be perfect, that much has become clear.  

On that day our somewhat perfect life became marked by sorrow.  Paths changed, pummeled by tragedy our lives were reshaped.  Where we had been filled with hope for Justins future and dread for the possible consequences of his struggle in and out of addiction there was now only loss. Hope gone.

And so we journeyed on.  We stayed planted in the community of faith and Jesus wore the flesh of friends and family.  They shared our pain and gave us grace and space to grieve.  They shared their stories, listened patiently to ours, brought meals, wrote cards, shared scripture and sat for hours around our kitchen table.  Sometimes, in the darkest moments they let me scream and sob...gave me permission to unravel and be angry, but they never let me set up camp in that dark place. 

Along the journey there have been treasures in the darkness.  I had to search for them, dig deep to find them.  Things that could only be learned through painful experiences.  To teach me that I don't need greater understanding, what I really need is greater trust. To teach me that I can praise louder than the pain and when I praise in the midst of the pain it reveals the wonder of the empowering grace of God for others to see...I learned it's never just about me.  To teach me that heaven is my home, not this earth and so I hold on loosely to this world. 

God is not the author of the hell that permeates this earth, but He is the redeemer of it all: the one who turns it all to our good. He is using what the enemy intends for our defeat instead to make us stronger, more compassionate and more invested in heaven.  To create warriors for His Kingdom, that are fearless because they know this is not their home.  To create warriors who don't ask why anymore, but just follow the leading of the Holy Spirit.  I am no warrior but I am stronger than ever. 

He uses the most painful experiences to be the birthplace of our deepest passion and most profound encounters with God. My son was rescued, his greatest moment happened at the same time that I suffered my greatest loss. The pain has never left, subsided but never left.  

Life is valuable because it ends, life is valuable because it is a precurser to real life.  We are created to be conquerers but victory always involves a bloody battle.  Sometimes it is physical and sometimes it is a mental battle but it is a daily battle one way or the other.  There is so much beauty to be seen and sometimes it shines even brighter in the dark.  

I wish I was all better, I wish my life hadn't crumbled into a million pieces but I can't change what has happened only how I react, how I am changed by what has happened.  I haven't done it perfectly but I have done my best.  Five years later I am still untangling the pain, still examining my complicated relationship with my God and hoping for Gods best possible outcome for my life despite my human frailty.  I am still fighting for hope every day of my life, still fighting to live my life with joy, still fighting to believe the best is possible, fighting for my dreams and most of all fighting for a chance to bring glory to God in the midst of this lovely, brutiful life.

For the most part I find happiness in the "new things".  In the new grandbaby coming, in the new friendships, in the new me, in the new art and in the new life that is slowly being laid out before me step by step.  I am no warrior, just a fighter and I am a believer in hope.

Thanks  for joining me on this journey.  Be encouraged, we can each survive the worst and find hope, healing and joy.  Dig deep, search hard and hold on to hope.  I still believe it is going to be a great next chapter.

Debbie

This Sacred Journey

This Sacred Journey

pain and loss
hope and strength
tears and fragmented life
deepest pain and dazzling joy
valley deep and desert dry
mountain top and vision fueled

shadowy and hopeless
joy and piercing pain
confusion and clarity
in and out of light
endless and forever

friends and enemies
dark anguish and shimmering light
unwavering faith and painful disappointment
difficult and yet possible
lost and yet found

scarred and enlightened
truth and revelation
power and pain
trauma and grace
journey and expansion
life and merciful death
eternity and unspeakable joy
sacred