Creating a new way!!

It's a funny thing, coming out of a life and creating a new one.  Of course when you walk through tragedy your life is forced to change.  The last few years have been intense change.  I am seeing myself from a new perspective, I look at my past as if I stand outside of it.  I suppose I do.  Like the rings of a tree I am developing and each ring looks somewhat different.  I am still that same tree yet this ring is far different from what I used to be.  The past was not bad and it has led me to this current season but the present is unfolding like the universe.  Showing me more than I can even absorb at times.  Truly seeing myself without all the bullshit that I have developed over the years to make me likeable, to hide my hurts, to hide my shame, to guard my heart and to be what others wanted in me.

This new me is focused on wellness, finding a path of holiness that is gentle and patient.  Letting go of religious beliefs and just focusing on God and the example of Jesus.  Seeking a path of self awareness and peace that I have never found in my life before.

Breaking off the old patterns and thoughts is hard work, I slip easily back into my natural thought patterns of chaos, defensiveness and self loathing.  However day by day I manage to find myself more, and in doing so I love myself more.  I am changing and some would say it is a bunch of "mumbo jumbo" and that's okay, I say it is an enlightenment of deeper understanding of faith and the healing power of belief to heal my mind, body and soul.  It doesn't mean I have it all together, in fact I am often overwhelmed as I try to grasp hold of change.  Just as often I am often happily surprised at how much peace I can feel about my life, my trust that all things are working together for the good.  I still battle fear and body image issues but somehow it is different, I have never been in this place before.  I have lost everything and survived and somehow that changes fear, you always know you will survive and even thrive.  I am still healing, I am still growing and I am still changing.  I hope I always change.

Change is the one thing we can count on in our lives, everything can change around us or we can choose to be the change within ourselves and in the world.  We can embrace change within and without.  I was never very adaptable but life has a way of changing that about us, if we let it.  I am adaptable now, a free spirit that can go with the flow.  Who knew that was possible?

Inside at my core I am still just me.  Same personality traits, same quirky personality, but I am trying new  things and more adventurous than ever.  I don't judge things as "unchristian".  I don't judge myself harshly.  I contemplate things, I think of what I know about Jesus, I think of what the Bible says about renewing our minds, believing the best and being healed and restored.  This is all right on track with yoga, mindfulness and meditation.  I dream of truly understanding the power of our minds as created by God.  I love others as an act of loving myself not as an act of earning love in return. 

I am trying to love myself well.  I used to think that was a ridiculous statement.  That we are all lovers of self, and I don't let myself go hungry after all.  On further thought what I recognized is that I have made choices that were starving my soul, not in my best interest at all.  I have learned to recognize there is a big difference in a survival mode self love and true self love that is driven by faith.  Self love should guide my decisions, challenge me and often brings me to tears as I recognize my betrayal of myself.  Self love is very integrated with my faith, and therefore faith factors into my decisions but not as rules but rather as relationship.   I have this guiding sense of love from the creator, if he can love me than surely I can love myself, and make the best decisions possible for myself in the light of grace.

It's not perfect, as a matter of fact sometimes I really "F" it up.  I still have some melt down moments.  However, I speak up about my emotions, apologize freely and ask for what I need rather than hope for it.  I pay attention to my triggers and try to dig into them to become free.  It is hard work.  Exhausting on some days but I believe it is necessary. I believe we can all grow and change and that is a scriptural principle.

If you have read this far, you must be interested so these are the goals I have added into my life.
Mindfulness practices:  Mindful eating when possible, practicing gratitude more, being self aware, listening to my inner dialogue and seeking to change it.  Intention, intention and more intention.
Yoga:  Finding peace and restoration through gentle restorative yoga.  I haven't moved to any hard stuff yet as I am still trying to hold onto my breath and just feeling my body without intrusive thoughts.
Writing:  As a form of self expression but also as a way to honor my story and keep my promises to myself.
Art:  Painting with passion.  I love teaching and it involves passion but often I am painting out of pleasing others such as commission work.  Developing mindful art journaling practices and teaching them to others.  Using art as a tool to help others feeds my soul.
Independence:  I am learning how to be interdependent while maintaining my autonomy.  Seeking to be interdependent(not dependent) with those I love and developing healthy boundaries.  If you know me well, you know this is not my strong suit.  I spent a lifetime being codependent and over invested in others.
Love:  Focusing on self love and grace.  I am intentionally feasting on love offered to me and the love of the creator.  Loving myself well on a daily basis actually includes all the items above as well.

This is all I can think of for now, but soon you will see some more changes in me and in this blog.  I hope you can embrace them, I hope they shed some type of light on your journey.  I hope they bring freedom and at the same time I hope you just DO YOU.  You are a beautiful soul, loved by the creator and are on your own very unique journey.  Pick up a little inspiration here (hopefully) but find your own way to strengthening and healing your body, soul and mind.

I can't thank you enough for reading this and joining me on this journey.  It's a new day.  Let's make it the best we can.

With much love and hope,
Debbie

I am Loathe

I Am LOATHE

I am loathe to write this, loathe to put myself out there in the middle of hated debate and horrendous division.  Yet, I feel to be true to myself I must.  To be true to you, I must.  Not because I am a great writer or have a huge following but because my responsibility is to my circle of influence, my circle of love, my circle of hope gatherers and truth tellers.

I watched as Dr. Ford shared her story, I watched with a knot in the pit of my stomach and tears welling in my eyes.  I believed her.  Because I have stories of not reporting myself. I watched with an open mind as Judge Kavanaugh defended himself. I believe him to be a good man but I do believe that it is possible he committed this act against Dr. Ford.  Yes, there are inconsistencies in her story and proof is not there.  Believing something happened (I find her very credible) and wanting Kavanaugh destroyed are two very different things.

I do believe that thirty-five years ago boys, and make no mistake he was a boy with an immature brain growing up in a culture of misogyny.  Where 'boys will be boys" was a common excuse for horrible behavior.  Where that type of behavior among star athletes and the popular crowd in high school was not uncommon.  Where boys believe that they are entitled to what they want and that “no really means yes.”  They manipulate the facts to interpret their own truth.  She was a slut, she wanted it.   I do not believe it is any different today.  I have cried a river with the #metoo movement as I have come to realize little has changed in the last thirty-five years. 

As a ten year old girl I was molested by a stranger.  I told no one.  I had left a slumber party when I had been told not to, it was clearly my fault - at least that was my assumption.  My family was already in what felt to me to be turmoil.   I didn't want to add to that.  So I suffered quietly and threw my Holly Hobby pants away.  It haunted me and affected me in ways that I have fought hard to eradicate from my life.  How can you really ever remove the stain of something ingrained in your mind for 5 years before you ever even spoke of it?  

In College as a young, impressionable girl I was thrilled to go out with a Senior "Fraternity" boy.  In borrowed clothes and fancy shoes I went with high hopes of finding a place of belonging among the "little sisters" of the fraternity.  Instead I found out that no, doesn't really mean no, to a young man. Afterward he unceremoniously dropped me at my dorm where I stumbled in the doors. I was shocked and confused.   I did not report, I was ashamed. I was embarrassed that someone I saw as so charming would treat me with such aggression and lack of concern.  I felt I didn't fight hard enough, and it is true that at some point his 175 pounds was too much for my 105 pounds. In my shock and my horror I went numb and still.  Tears ran down my face but obviously to him, I wanted it.  Fear of my word against his word, fear of being "that girl", fear of being kicked off my dance team and fear of retaliation paralyzed me.  I did not report.  He however did. He reported that I was a slut  who slept with guys on the first date.  I was an easy one night stand, he reported.  I did not. I held my head up and proved him wrong, but not without my own inner turmoil and torment.   I think he was a stupid awful boy, I can't begin to understand why he thought it was okay or what his perception was and is even today.  

I now hear that he is a good man, a family man.  

Throughout my life I have heard men say inappropriate things, bosses make passes at me and even just recently caught someone taking a picture of my ass.  I don't understand. I myself married a man who was a sexual predator(my opinion his diagnosis was "love addict"), using his position and power to manipulate women into bed with him. Saying wildly inappropriate things and using them as bait on a fish hook.  People knew but did nothing.  I believed his indignation and stood by him.  The power of a convincing liar and narcissist is hard to see.Even now I still feel that familiar shame that I allowed myself to become powerless and manipulated by him.  

I regret my powerlessness but still can see that there was also good in the man I married.  It is almost impossible for us to conceive of such evil among such good and yet it is there.  Sin and evil exist in each of us and if given space, gives birth to the unspeakable.  

Good men learn to not give into that evil. Good men grow from boys that have often made mistakes, I do believe that.  We all fall short and none of us are without sin.  

The fact that on the floor of the senate someone would say, this deviant behavior would have been a repeated pattern in Kavanaugh's life, is ridiculous and demonstrates his lack of understanding of these types of situations. Yes, there are serial rapist but there are also boys and men that are one time rapist/abusers walking among us.  They were good boys that did a bad thing.  Or that any Senator would comment on Dr. Fords attractiveness is beyond absurd.  There is a problem people and it is not just our boys.  It is a systemic problem rooted in culture and driven by hormones, sexism, entitlement and evil.  

  

I make no excuses for it only to say, what will it take to change it?  

Our boys sometimes make mistakes, sometimes become abusers, even though they have been loved their entire lives by a woman.  Even though they would say they respect women.  We cannot believe that this is not a serious problem when one in three women will be sexually assaulted according to the CDC.  Of those one in three, currently only 60% report.  If one in three will be assaulted, then how many boys and men are the abusers?  Statistically they are typically someone the girl or woman already knows.  I would assume if the statistic is one in three for the women then maybe one in six are abusers? Just my personal opinion.  I would also add that many of those men do not even realize or would categorize their behavior as sexual abuse.  How scary is that? 

I don't know how to change the "rape" culture.  I don't believe anyone deserves to be assaulted, male or female.  I don't believe that just because someone is drunk, they asked for it.  I don't believe clothes create the problem.  I do believe alcohol plays a role on both sides.  I can think of many occassions where I heard stories of many boys joining in on a girl too drunk to really know what was going on. I have been privy to even seeing pictures of such behavior because of a position I held in college.   Is that a mob mentality? It is disgusting.   I don't know or understand why this is happening.  

I want to, I really do because maybe if we can understand we could begin to fix the problem. I understand that women can be abusers as well but what is permeating our society currently is the onslaught of women finding their voice and speaking out finally about their stories of abuse.  I personally believe them, I personally am one of them and I personally celebrate their bravery.  We are not hysterical nor are we just joining in to join in, we are finding our power in our collective stories and longing for change. 

Yes, in every movement there will be some who capitalize on the frenzy by bringing false reports.  It is that way in every segment of life.  That is why it is so critical to teach reporting, to end slut shaming and to teach strength, dignity and honor to one another.  We must have ways to prove behavior and protect the falsley accused. 

I am in the middle.  I believe the totality of someone’s life should not be judged on mistakes made in High School or College.  I certainly don't want someone judging me on my High School and College years or looking at my yearbook to determine my integrity.  I am frightened that unsubstantiated assaults from 35 years ago can destroy a career and a life. What if that was one of my sons? 

I believe Dr. Ford. Something traumatic happened to her, as has happened to so many of us. Yes, over time memories can be dimmed, some parts confused, over time on both sides.  Perception is definitely interpretive for each individual.  This will always be part of the problem.  He said, she said. 

But, when will we address the real issue?  When will there be a national outcry to investigate the root causes and make systemic changes in a society that degrades women yet also loves women.  I believe in good men, I believe people make mistakes, but when will our girls learn to yell, learn to fight back, learn to not give in, unless we speak up and show them how to be brave. 

I am not trying to bash men here, I am simply saying I am in the middle.  As a mother of young men, as a women who has been abused, as a woman who has had to fight to not carry shame and self-loathing into her future, I say....When will it change?  I love men.  I believe in the power of redemption and I believe in good men because I know good men.  

I am terrified that if we as women swing too far in our indignation and hatred we will not find the truth and change we hope for. Polarizing ourselves will lead to discrediting our true desire for change.   Rage rarely produces change.  We should continue to share our stories and our indignation, but let us do so with hearts that are righteous and seeking good, not exacting revenge.  

I long for both sides to win in this battle against humanity.  That is the only chance for true change.  I pray for our country to quit warring within and fight a battle against this evil.  Divided we will always fall. Our country is at war against itself and it is a disgrace.  Our battle is not between parties our battle is against evil and on that we can all stand together.  

Let us care more about each other than we do about politics.  Let us be those who carry a banner for change with a heart of love.  

We live in hope and belong to one another,

Debbie 

P.S. Please don't bother putting up shitty comments.  If you don't like it, don't read it.