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| My messy self and proud of it~ |
The Messy Struggle
strug·gle
ˈstrəɡəl/
verb
- 1.make forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction.
"before she could struggle, he lifted her up"
synonyms: fight, grapple, wrestle, scuffle, brawl, spar;
informalscrap"James struggled with the intruders"
noun
- 1.a forceful or violent effort to get free of restraint or resist attack.
synonyms: fight, scuffle, brawl, tussle, wrestling bout, skirmish, fracas, melee; More
I have struggled with messy my whole life, just messy in general. Sure, I had a "planner" side, a control side and I wrestled with perfection issues but lurking there was always the messy, wild child me. This me that wanted to be foot loose and fancy free, not impress anyone, not live under a microscope and most of all not care! The struggle was real to get free of that restraint and constriction. The brawl of control and perfection left me bloody and bruised, as it was a fight I could not win. The messy me wanted freedom to be integrated into my whole life.
Don't get me wrong, of course I care about the most important things in my life, my loves. Those I love, deserve and get my messy self unreservedly and lavishly as much as is within my power. I love a huge circle of family and friends that love me back and are not afraid of my messy life and my messy struggles.
I struggle with messy emotions, messy decisions and messy relationships. I have had messy friendships that have turned out beautiful and messy emotions that reveal my heart in ways I could not see until the tsunami of emotions ran it's course. I have a messy, disorganized brain that runs a muck like a bull in a china shop.
I have come to love messy, because no matter how hard I tried I could not keep my life together. I mean life happened and it made me feel like a failure to not be able to keep it all neat and tidy. A neat and tidy life is a short lived myth. I had no choice but to embrace the messy. Messy brings freedom to evolve. Messy is allowing yourself to be created along the way, taking different paths and living in faith and hope in such a way that you can flow with whatever is happening and let's face it....its always happening.
My messy self competes with the intelectual side of my brain that wants all things orderly and planned but more and more my messy self is winning. I am taking more risk, living without a plan (sort of), being bold and chasing dreams. Messy feels comfortable now, I think I learned it through painting. Painting something and trying so hard to make it perfect and then realizing it turns out better when it free flows. Thats what creativity teaches us....free flow, you can't control you have to just let it develop.
I have come to love my messy self. Messy is adventure and fun and sometimes it is difficulty and unraveling. However it always feels like freedom even when there is still responsibility. It is a better balance for me, it creates a joyful me.
What a great adventure life has turned out to be and this second chapter shall be greater than the last!! Try it, take a risk and chase a dream, it will get messy but it will also help you become footloose and fancy free(to coin a phrase I have heard recently). Its not a bad way to be, don't take it to far, be responsible for your stuff but cut loose and free flow. Today is your day to choose how you live it.
Thanks for joining me on this journey, hope it encourages you in yours!!
with much love,
Debbie
