I Am LOATHE
I am loathe to write this, loathe
to put myself out there in the middle of hated debate and horrendous
division. Yet, I feel to be true to myself I must. To be true to
you, I must. Not because I am a great writer or
have a huge following but because my responsibility is to my circle of
influence, my circle of love, my circle of hope gatherers and truth tellers.
I watched as Dr. Ford shared her
story, I watched with a knot in the pit of my stomach and tears welling in my
eyes. I believed her. Because I have stories of not reporting
myself. I watched with an open mind as Judge Kavanaugh
defended himself. I believe him to be a good man but I do
believe that it is possible he committed this act against Dr. Ford. Yes, there are inconsistencies in her story
and proof is not there. Believing
something happened (I find her very credible) and wanting Kavanaugh destroyed
are two very different things.
I do believe that thirty-five years
ago boys, and make no mistake he was a boy with an immature brain growing up in
a culture of misogyny. Where 'boys will be boys" was a common excuse
for horrible behavior. Where that type of behavior among star athletes
and the popular crowd
in high school was not uncommon. Where boys
believe that they are entitled to what they want and that “no really
means yes.” They manipulate the facts to interpret
their own truth. She was a slut, she wanted it. I do not
believe it is any different today. I have cried a river with the #metoo
movement as I have come to realize little has changed in the last thirty-five years.
As a ten year old girl I was
molested by a stranger. I told no one. I had left a slumber party
when I had been told not to, it was clearly my fault - at least
that was my assumption. My family was already in what felt to me to be
turmoil. I didn't want to add to that. So I suffered quietly
and threw my Holly Hobby pants away. It haunted me and affected me in
ways that I have fought hard to eradicate from my life. How can you really ever remove the stain of
something ingrained in your mind for 5 years before
you ever even spoke of it?
In College as a young,
impressionable girl I was thrilled to go out with a Senior
"Fraternity" boy. In borrowed clothes and fancy shoes I went
with high hopes of finding a place of belonging among the "little
sisters" of the fraternity. Instead I found out that no, doesn't
really mean no, to a young man. Afterward he unceremoniously dropped me at my
dorm where I stumbled in the
doors. I was shocked and confused. I
did not report, I was ashamed. I was embarrassed that
someone I saw as so charming would treat me with such aggression and lack of
concern. I felt I didn't fight hard enough, and it is true that at
some point his 175 pounds was too much for my 105 pounds. In my shock and my horror I went numb and still. Tears
ran down my face but obviously to him, I wanted it. Fear of my word
against his word, fear of being "that girl", fear of being kicked off
my dance team and fear of retaliation paralyzed me. I did not
report. He however did. He reported that
I was a slut who slept with guys on the first date. I was an easy one
night stand, he reported. I did not. I
held my head up and proved him wrong, but not without
my own inner turmoil and torment. I think he was a stupid awful
boy, I can't begin to understand why he thought it was okay or what his
perception was and is even today.
I now hear that he is a good man, a family
man.
Throughout my life I have heard men say inappropriate things, bosses make passes at me and
even just recently caught someone taking a picture of my ass. I don't
understand. I myself married a man who was
a sexual predator(my opinion his diagnosis was "love addict"), using his position and power to manipulate women into bed with
him. Saying wildly inappropriate things and using them as bait on a fish
hook. People knew but did nothing. I believed his indignation and stood by him. The power of a convincing liar and narcissist is hard to see.Even now I still feel that familiar shame that I allowed myself to
become powerless and manipulated by him.
I regret my powerlessness but still can
see that there was also good in the man I married. It is almost
impossible for us to conceive of such evil among such good and yet it is
there. Sin and evil exist in each of us
and if given space, gives birth to the unspeakable.
Good men learn to not give into
that evil. Good men grow from boys that have often made mistakes, I do believe
that. We all fall short and none of us are without sin.
The fact that on the floor of the
senate someone would say, this deviant behavior would have been a repeated
pattern in Kavanaugh's life, is ridiculous and demonstrates his lack of
understanding of these types of situations. Yes, there are serial rapist but
there are also boys and men that are one time rapist/abusers walking among
us. They were good boys that did a bad thing. Or that any Senator would comment on Dr. Fords attractiveness is beyond absurd. There is a problem people and it is not just our boys. It is a systemic
problem rooted in culture and driven by hormones, sexism, entitlement and
evil.
I make no excuses for it only to
say, what will it take to change it?
Our boys sometimes make mistakes, sometimes become abusers, even though they have been loved their entire lives by a
woman. Even though they would say they respect women. We cannot
believe that this is not a serious problem when one in three women will be
sexually assaulted according to the CDC. Of those one in three, currently
only 60% report. If one in three will be assaulted, then how many boys
and men are the abusers? Statistically they are typically someone the
girl or woman already knows. I would assume if the statistic is one
in three for the women then maybe one in six are abusers? Just my personal opinion. I would also add that many of those men do not even realize or would categorize their behavior as sexual abuse. How scary is that?
I don't know how to change the
"rape" culture. I don't believe anyone deserves to be assaulted, male or
female. I don't believe that just because someone is
drunk, they asked for it. I don't believe clothes create the
problem. I do believe alcohol plays a role on both sides. I can think of many occassions where I heard stories of many boys joining in on a girl too drunk to really know what was going on. I have been privy to even seeing pictures of such behavior because of a position I held in college. Is that a mob mentality? It is disgusting. I don't know or understand why this is happening.
I
want to, I really do because maybe if we can understand we could begin to fix
the problem. I understand that women can be abusers as well but what is
permeating our society currently is the onslaught of women finding their voice
and speaking out finally about their stories of abuse. I personally
believe them, I personally am one of them and I personally celebrate their
bravery. We are not hysterical nor are we just joining in to join in, we
are finding our power in our collective stories and longing for change.
Yes, in every movement there will
be some who capitalize on the frenzy by bringing false reports. It is that way in every segment of life. That is why it is so critical to teach
reporting, to end slut shaming and to teach strength, dignity and honor to one
another. We must have ways to prove behavior and protect the falsley accused.
I am in the middle. I believe
the totality of someone’s life should not be judged on mistakes made in High
School or College. I certainly don't want someone judging me on my High
School and College years or looking at my yearbook to determine my
integrity. I am frightened that unsubstantiated assaults from 35
years ago can destroy a career and a life. What if that was one of my sons?
I believe Dr. Ford. Something traumatic happened to her, as has happened to so many of us. Yes, over time
memories can be dimmed, some parts confused, over time on both sides.
Perception is definitely interpretive for each individual. This will
always be part of the problem. He said, she said.
But, when will we address the real
issue? When will there be a national outcry to investigate the root
causes and make systemic changes in a society that degrades women yet also loves women. I believe in good men, I believe people
make mistakes, but when will our girls learn to yell, learn to fight back,
learn to not give in, unless we speak up and show them how to be brave.
I am not trying to bash men here, I
am simply saying I am in the middle. As a mother of young men, as a women
who has been abused, as a woman who has had to fight to not carry shame and
self-loathing into her future, I say....When will it change? I love
men. I believe in the power of redemption and I believe in good
men because I know good men.
I am terrified that if we as women
swing too far in our indignation and hatred we will not find the truth and
change we hope for. Polarizing ourselves will lead to discrediting our true
desire for change. Rage
rarely produces change. We should continue to share our stories and our indignation, but let
us do so with hearts that are righteous and seeking good, not exacting
revenge.
I long for both sides to win
in this battle against humanity. That is the only chance for true
change. I pray for our country to quit warring within and fight a battle
against this evil. Divided we will always fall. Our country is at war against itself and it is a disgrace. Our battle is not between parties our battle is against evil and on that we can all stand together.
Let us care more about each other
than we do about politics. Let us be those who carry a banner for change
with a heart of love.
We live in hope and belong to one another,
Debbie
P.S. Please don't bother putting up shitty comments. If you don't like it, don't read it.
