Annoying, stink eye stuff, mothering stuff.....

Yep, that's the squinty stink eye look

He says to me…please don’t be annoying(I am secretly delighted he said please).  Like this is some type of a choice a Mother makes .  Hahahaha today I shall be super annoying.  It’s certainly not the first time I have been called annoying.

I am cloyingly(something you liked which then becomes sickening), disturbingly annoying.  It’s true; I have heard it all my life.  I am fun and fabulous and then like a roller coaster taking the colossal drop, I free fall into annoying.  There is a high and low to life and mine is from wonderful to annoying in five seconds flat.  I can spoil a room with a look or a bark of orders (I have superhuman powers to see all the things that need to be done in one glance).  I can laugh and be fun and then drop a bomb that blows up like a grenade and leaves shrapnel everywhere.  Sometimes things just find their way out of my mind, into my mouth and then BAM!  Yikes, did I just say that out loud?

It’s not just a mother thing…but for the sake of time let’s just talk about that mother thing today…

I love my boys, fiercely, desperately, fully.  I’m not trying to be annoying.  If I could stop I would.  If I could change the look on my face I would.  Hehehehe it’s the look of love, it's not the stink eye.

I am not giving them, you or anyone else the stink eye.  I am just thinking, stinky thoughts.  It shows on my face, in my eyes...it is the dreaded unintentional stink eye.

I know everyone is having fun but someone has to point out the obvious….who is going to clean up this mess? Or someone is going to get hurt doing that, or that is just plain dumb, climb off the roof…. I am not being negative, just realistic. Why am I the only one that can see this???  

Yes, your friends think I am giving them the stink eye but I'm just thinking, and it may look like a mean face but really it is me....tortured in my brain....I'm trying not to scream and so well....my eyes are screaming and thus the dreaded stink eye appears.  Think of it more as a twitch or a squinty eye problem.  

In a split second I can count the cost, come up with a list of a dozen things that could go wrong, my mind can begin spinning so fast that I am desperate to release at least one thought….I don't want to, I really don't but if I don't say something my head might explode.  Honestly, annoying comes very easy, naturally to me. Parenting just seems to put my crazy on full steam ahead mode!!  

I annoyingly want the very best for my boys.  I want to spare them from mistakes that could wreck their futures.  I want them to grow up to be responsible, caring, generous, wise, honest, God loving men.  Not for me but for their future wives and children, heck I think it’s important for the sake of the World (okay and selfishly for me too).  I am convinced that these boys can change the world. 

I lay awake at night thinking about these things and it makes me annoying.  It makes me point out the obvious, it makes me want to tell them instead of let them learn. It makes squinty eyes appear and labourous annoying questions come forth. It makes them sigh and makes me frustrated with these brilliant, beautiful, charming, manboys that beg me to quit asking questions and giving instructions because it is so annoying. 

I know, I know...Just stop, but if it were that easy I would have done it a long time ago. Besides, I'm their mother.  

I love them so much; I wish they could just teleport into my heart and see the truth of how much I love them, of how I would do just about anything for them, of how I am trying my best to not be annoying but sometimes loving someone by default, just makes you annoying.  It just makes you ask questions and give advice even when it's not welcome.  Help me Lord. 

They are a part of me, which is really hard for them to understand I am sure.  But when I look at them I flash to all the memories of raising them, their little chubby cheeks, wet kisses, sleepy heads, hide and seek, forts, sick nights holding them, singing over them, endless loves good night, bath time, snotty noses and butterfly kisses and I just want to scream…..I LOVE YOU PLEASE LISTEN TO ME! I AM NOT ANNOYING, I JUST LOVE YOU! Then I realize to them that is annoying.  Ratz.

I know who they potentially can be and it makes me want to control and enforce my will upon them, when the truth is we are way past that.  Wisdom isn’t taught, it’s learned.  Learned over years, shoot I’m still learning.  Okay, so maybe I’m not even that wise....

This parenting teenagers and adult children, reveals my weaknesses.  My annoying weaknesses, my inability to keep my heart in check and my desperation to see them succeed and at the same time my desire to keep them close, protected and insulated from a dangerous world.   It’s hard out there, people hurt people, the world can be grossly unfair, consequences can be terrible, someone’s gonna get hurt, there is no escaping the pain of living, I don't want them to experience anymore heartache, I could go on and on….

Years of trying to protect them and keep them from getting hurt and now all the sudden, I just need to keep my mouth shut. Aaarrrgh….this is so unfair.  I’ve been training all my adult life to protect them and make decisions for them and now all of the sudden in a horrible twist of fate, they must make their own decisions.  WAIT, I’m not ready for this….

It’s such a gamble.  I know, I know trust God... but that doesn't keep them from making mistakes(free will and all that stuff).  I suppose I want to protect myself as much as I want to protect them, if I am honest.  Save the momma from the drama, please.  I don't want them to have to experience hard things.....because I can't bear to watch it. 

Oh sure one boy will count the odds and the other will live on the edge and it will all work out in the end, but I still want to give them butterfly kisses and sing over them when they are asleep.  I guess that is annoying.

Annoying, they think it’s annoying to live with me?  Ha, they should have to live in my mind.  One hour inside my thoughts, my brain and they would surrender to the madness and never have children of their own.  One night spent inside the mind of this insomniac that can lay awake considering hundreds of scenarios, praying and worrying in the same twisted mind and then repenting....sheez they couldn't do it.  Here's praying they don't repeat my crazy cycles.  Which by the way, it's not all negative.  There are some beautiful amazing things this ADD brain can do and all those thoughts sometimes give birth to fantastic problem solving or strikingly creative ideas.  

My point is this job is not for the faint of heart; stand your ground, speak your mind, use wisdom, go to battle, pray without ceasing, shut your mouth, support them, don't support this, speak truth, don't isolate, give love, don't enable, just listen, no stink eye, hide how scared I am, let my true emotions show, guilt them, feed them, give money, withold money, I face a gazillion choices daily and sometimes I become annoying. Who can blame me?  

At this point everyone is lucky my head doesn't just spin around and green puke doesn't come flying out.  Annoying, well I will wear that as a badge of honor I am just glad I haven't given up.  Considered it but come on...I have way too much invested at this point. 

Don’t get me wrong, these boys are great kids.  I see them and am proud to say they are mine, which irritates them because they think they are just “them” not “mine”.   I suppose that means I am succeeding; they are independent, ready to take on the world.  They believe they can do anything, and so do I.  I just want more time, more voice, more love, more opportunities to give direction, more influence, more communication, more….oh wait I am totally being annoying again.    

As the Dr. Seuss book says ….

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” 

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Yep, read that a hundred times if I read it once.  For the time being they are still here, in our home and on our property so maybe tonight I will sneak in and sing over them, breathe in their boy smells and give them butterfly kisses while they are asleep. 

Ssshhhhh don’t tell them….what they don’t know, won’t annoy them. 

Anyway, one day we will be best friends and they will hold my purse for me if I ask them, and they will call for my advice, they will trust me with their children and every once in a while they will say I am annoying but it will be with a smile and a wink.  

Someday, hopefully soon, we will all be the best of friends and until then we live in hope.  Hope that I can stop being annoying, okay that is probably too big of a goal.  Let’s just hope I can be equal parts wonderful, supportive and annoying.  That’s a realistic goal, I think.   Wait, now that I think about it….oooohhh here goes the roller coaster…..

Soldier on brave friends,

Debbie