Suck it up, buttercup!

Family Reunion 

I just spent a few days with my Mother and Sisters.  It is like a little slice of heaven to be with people you love, don't you think?    We were rejoicing and talking way too much.  I was relieved my husband wasn't there, all the talking would have worn him out.  We went to see my Grandmother, legally blind but still as smart as  anyone I know.  Smarter than most, actually.  She held the baby, the youngest and she is the oldest.  Here was this picture of the cycle of life.  The new beginnings and the lingering days gone bye.  The beautiful baby to be celebrated as we gibber-gabber cute baby talk to her and the oldest of our tribe whom we honor as she holds court with all of us gathered around her. We celebrate them both.

This is life.  The joy of birth and the sorrow of loss.  All of us journey onward, each growing older by the day.  My Grandmother said she loved having all her descendants with her the last time we had been together.  That time, that family reunion had been for her ninetieth Birthday.  Justin had been there.  It was the last time we had literally all been together, my Sisters, my Mother, my children and the extended family.  Behind the laughter of that moment there were tears welling.  We would never all be here at my Grandmothers house together again, there will always be someone missing.

I could see him in the shadows of the room, I could remember him sitting on the couch at my Grandmothers house.  I wanted to lay down on the couch and feel him there, to get a scent of him, to hear his laughter, to touch him one last time, but like a shadow he was just out of my grasp.  I looked around the room at all the happy faces and wonder what they can remember.  I want to pick their brains, comb through their memories and beg them to tell me happy stories.  I am wracked with questions that will never be answered.  Did I tell him I loved him enough on that trip?  Could I have done something then that would have changed things?

Behind the laughter are the tears.  They are always there, floating around like clouds in the sky just waiting for the opportunity to bring a downpour.  Looking for the perfect storm to make themselves known. They help sometimes, to release the pain somehow, but sometimes they just drag others into the tornado.  And so I try to hold them back along with all the unanswerable questions in hopes of sparing someone else the pain.  Like Ebola tears can be contagious, sharing them can bring others into my realm of pain and quite frankly people are tired of being sad. I am tired of being sad. 

None of us would choose to experience this loss, this pain and yet here it is.  A daily companion, an unwanted visitor along the journey.  I can laugh, it is not fake.  I have found a way to enjoy life even celebrate life because of hope.  I say, I love you more often, I hug tighter, I don't waste time on those that don't have compassion or love for me, I celebrate small things, I work hard for the Kingdom, I listen for the still small voice that brings hope into my situation, I adore young people for their simplicity and I love better than I ever have.

I am left with the simple truth, there is no changing it now.  I wrap myself up in the hope of heaven, in the love of a family that chooses to keep laughing.  Their laughter rings in my ears, my grandmothers whisper of love quiets my spirit.  We all long to change the past, but in truth none of us can.  We can only change today.  We can choose to love deeper, to voice it more, to intentionally live in joy even knowing all our days are numbered.  We are all on a slow walk to a glorious reunion.  We will get there, some sooner than others. Not trying to be a downer but it is true...we are all dying.

In the meantime, I am determined to love others well, to laugh often, to share Jesus, to create an atmosphere of honor, to help others on the same journey, to teach well and to lay down my life for the one who rescued my son from this world(Isaiah 57:1).

As my Mother so eloquently says, suck it up butter cup.  So I choose to suck it up and laugh and smile because there is always something to celebrate, someone to celebrate, something to be thankful for,  and when I suck it up I really do feel better.  The one foot in front of the other mantra really does work.  So I journey on, and when the storm clouds start to role in my head.....I whisper quietly, suck it up buttercup and a genuine smile fills my face.