Strength for Tomorrow

 28 We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God—those whom he has called according to his plan.Romans 8:28 (GW)

All things work together for good but that doesn't mean all things are good.  It just means God can use that awful tragic thing somewhere down the road.   It means we all have the opportunity to make the choice....I won't be what happened to me, Ill be what I become.  

We all have the choice when we are living in the pain of our "today".  When memories are sometimes as painful as physical wounds, we often carry our wounds and scars deep in the hidden recesses of our hearts. 

They are locked in our hearts as memories, we cannot live without them, but we cannot live within them either.  

Those scars are just that, scars.  Proof of what we have lived through but not proof of who we are.  Those wounds heal over time if we are willing to do the hard work, to dig out even the slightest splinter of unforgiveness, to push love deep into the wound so that it can heal instead of fester.  

Once that wound has healed, once that scar has closed and time has worked it's plan that scar is proof of faithfulness, recovery, restoration and hope.  You have survived, what you thought would kill you.  

When you look back at yesterdays pain you suddenly realize it has given you strength.  God has been there, an ever present help in time of trouble.  It was still brutal and bloody, messy and ugly.  You may have been hemorraging with pain and lonliness, but upon further reflection you can see the shadow of the Almighty.  

You can come out from being frozen by shame and held hostage to silence.  You can let out a victory cry and a painful howl for everything lost and yet to be found.  Because both are true, things have been lost but victory is coming.   

Everyday you have the choice to grow from your pain, to put to death pity and self loathing.  To embrace the healing journey and wear the scars as a badge of honor. What was meant to destroy you has only made you stronger and better.  

Don't live in the pain of yesterdays bad memories, allow them to heal, allow them to make you stronger, braver, wiser.  Yesterday teaches us what we need to carry into the future, yesterdays are full of seeds for destiny.  The pain you are currently feeling is temporary, each day healing and strength are being restored and what you planted in the past is bringing forth hope in your future.  Life, like a mighty river keeps rolling along with all it's twist and turns, with the pain of disappointment raging, but suddenly you will come out of that and see the beautiful scenery.  You realize life has taken you to a better place, and joy has been restored.  
Life never looks quite like what you expect, you can't plan it all out.  Sh*t happens, you just have to choose to live in hope, and become. 

It's tough, but you are tougher.

It takes the whole story to get you there, to round the bend                                        and become the new you.                                                                                                              

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

These words flash through my mind over and over again....unintended journey.  I am on an unintended journey.  A road less traveled, that's for sure.  I am not sure where it is going to take me, but I am excited.  I am full of hope for the future.  I have just spent the last one hundred days of my life in some of the darkest of days.  Pain that creeps upon you and paralyzes you, tears that won't quit.

No one likes to talk about the raw truth of how ugly and painful and shameful things can be, but I will.  Because many of you have felt that too.  You have known the hurt of unexpected journeys, of loss and disappointment.  Like me you have walked through times of silence from God, but like me if you press on one step at a time you will hear His voice again.  You will feel His presence again. Be brave friends the promises of God are just around the bend in the road.

On this unintended journey, understanding was critical.  It is just how I am wired, how God created me.  How did I end up here?   I have split my heart open and examined it loathingly and fearlessly.  I have seen my failures, my flesh, my selfishness, my pride, my desires, my codependency,my blindness, my works mentality, etc.  I have looked at it with new eyes, fresh eyes born of the spirit.  I have had a Damascus moment.  A life changing moment.

I can fix no one but myself.  I have no responsibility,  but for my own heart.  I cannot change what has happened, but I can change the pain.  If  I don't transform the pain I will transfer it to others.  I choose to follow the Healer, to repent for anything I have done and transform the pain to gain.  I choose to believe that somewhere over the rainbow the healing will come.  I can trust the God of the universe to point me in the right direction.  I may not be able to see past the curve in the road but I can trust Him to keep laying the road out in front of me and leading me to the promises.

These days it is not so brutal, these days it is easier and easier.  These days the Lord gives me dreams and visions and fills my nights with song.  These days He gives me friends to carry me on my mat to the healer.  Take a look at Matthew 2 where the four friends carried their sick, broken friend to be healed.  We all need those friends.  These days there is less carrying and more walking it out.  I am still carried in some ways; by prayers and laughter, small gestures and big hearts. Jesus is strengthening my heart daily in the sweetest of ways.

This I know, we shall overcome. Every last one of us that profess the name of Jesus shall overcome.

So I give myself broken, damaged, humbled, to the Holy one who says.....when you are weak I am strong and I say in all honesty I am weak and He strengthens me with the one thing that is so easily lost....HOPE.

I am a laid down lover of God and no amount of hell is ever gonna change that because GOD IS GOOD.  Circumstances suck, consequences affect us all, this world is really messed up, but God is still good.  The best is still yet to come.

Be filled with hope friends, Joy always comes in the morning!  Laughing again and loving my tribe.
Let's be brave together, let's be kind to one another, carry the broken, humble ourselves and let's just focus on the speck in our own eye.  Love better and bigger than ever, expect nothing in return.

I thought I was Brave....

Today I sat for an hour in a physical therapy room watching brave everyday people learning to sit, stand and walk.  Tears rolled down my cheeks the whole time.  The young boy with the scar up the back of his head walking in large circles around the room being cheered on every lap as he passed me.  Other people just trying to be able to move their hands.  Precious children of God all struggling to do things that we take for granted every day.  Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, sometimes I have a pity party but this bravery and strength, this determination that I see in these hearts makes me feel ridiculous, ashamed really.  It could be so much worse.  Yes, my heart is broke.  Some of us are broke on the inside and some on the outside.  I think my broken heart will heal much easier than most of the men, women and children I see doing physical therapy.  Every time my Dad stands up, the effort looks like he is squatting five hundred pounds.  He hits the top and we smile and celebrate the victory.  The inner cheerleader in me wants to run around the room cheering each person on, telling them how brave and daring they are, telling them how proud they should be of themselves(I don't do this because I am sure it might embarrass them).  They are each hero's, in their own ways.  They are those who won't be broken by their circumstances. 

Then there is the M.D.Anderson Hospital.  Waiting rooms full of people fighting for their lives,  They epitomize "Rocky" the fighter as they are pumped full of horrifying medicines, beaten down by the after effects of chemo and then get right back up and keep fighting.  Fighting for life, fighting for hope, fighting for their loved ones.  My stepmother amazes me as we travel from her treatments to my Dad's treatments she never complains.  SHE NEVER COMPLAINS. We run through list of things we are thankful for as we drive, we stay positive, we laugh and I cry.  All day long tears leak out of my eyes and down my cheeks because I love these people, this family and because I had forgot how good life is even when it's bad.   It can be beautiful to struggle together, to kiss the top of my Dad's head, to sit and play games while poison is dripping into Gwen's body, to see grown men stand for the first time, to celebrate every tiny little thing with a different perspective.  Is it hard? YES but their is beauty in the hard things, there is hope in every moment, there is victory in the smallest of accomplishments and there is love, there is always love. 

I thought I was brave and maybe I was but this is true bravery, true strength.  So today I repented for my pity parties, uninvited all the guest in my head, set my heart right before the Lord and decided I could be braver, I could see more beauty and less of the ugly.  My heart is broken but only a part of it and just like all these brave, determined people I am just going to keep exercising it until it is strong again.  I don't think I can quit crying but maybe that can be beautiful too, just letting people see the inside as it leaks out your eyes is an act of honesty and beauty.  Feelings aren't bad, crying doesn't make you weak it makes you real.  So I cry for happy things and I cry for sad things, basically I cry when I am happy and when I am sad and everywhere in between.  Eventually that will stop as I exercise my heart more and more, the sad will get less and less. 

I know God is fixing my broken heart, showing me new things, near to me, teaching me how to move to a whole new level of brave. I get to see "that brave" in others every day.   Change, He changed the world and He is the one who will change my heart.  Thankful for the opportunity to be here, in this moment, in this season, to know wholeheartedly that I am surrounded by bravery and beauty and to allow it to help heal my broken heart.  This unexpected journey is going to be beautiful and I am going to lean into it wholeheartedly.  I won't be broken by circumstances as a matter of fact I think I will just grow stronger. I think it's going to be exciting to see where it all goes from here.  Not quite what I had planned but who's life really ever goes as planned?  The only one that really knows is God He sees the beginning and the end all at the same time....He is the master planner, my plans were just that...mine.  Now, it's His turn. 

Pretty, Pretty Please

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're perfect to me

You're so mean (so mean) when you talk (when you talk)
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices (change the voices) in your head (in your head)
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look how we all make it.
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(Oh oh)

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're perfect to me

The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold tea
So cool in lying and we try, try, try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?

(Yeah! Oh!)
Oh, pretty, pretty, pretty

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're perfect to me
(You're perfect, you're perfect)
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're perfect to me.

I have sanitized this Pink song for my "Holy Rollers" and my "Teen Queens".  Not validating the cuss words but saying the words to this song are amazing!  Change the voices in your head, uuummm hello!  That is the answer.  Don't let the enemy plant any negative thoughts, pull them out and replace them with truth.  You are perfect and righteous covered in His blood.  We have all made mistakes, forgive yourself, God already has.  Mistreated, yea welcome to the world.  We all get mistreated at times but so did Jesus.  There is no escaping the difficulties of this messy world but YOU are perfect, don't exchange who you are in Christ to fit in or please the critics.  BE TRUE TO YOU.  That is what the world needs more authentic Christians.  Messy, beautiful, broken, healing, loving, dreaming, bold, lovers of God.  Lets take over the world with His love.

My tribe, I love you.  Believe it even when I am not there physically, I am praying for you and believing for the best possible expression of God's love in and through your life.  Love you all so very much.  We win in the end!

In Christ Amazing Love,

Debbie
P.S. I don't know if Pink knows Jesus but I can hear Jesus telling me this...He can use anything!  And he doesn't want any of us to feel like nothing or less than.  Hold your head up and be fearless!

Turning Pain into a Gift of Grace

So many friends going through losses right now, soul crushing losses(myself included).  Life is unfair like that.  Sin crept in and messed the world up and thousands of years later grace crashed in and gave us the power to overcome. Not that the world became perfect but that we are enpowered to use what the enemy meant to destroy us for our good and the good of others.

It is some kind of messy, beautiful, difficult journey we fragile humans walk through with hardships and friendships and with the grace of God upon us, within us and around us.  It can sometimes feel lonely even in a crowded room, it can feel overwhelming even when you know God is there, it can feel terrifying even when you know God is for you.  Our humanity is tested, flesh is poked and prodded until we simply surrender.   In the brokeness He sends those to extend mercy, minister hope and bring refreshing so that you can once again push through the pain.  It doesn't mean there is no weeping, no pain, but it does mean we know joy comes in the morning.  Not sure which morning, but eventually it comes.  The pain lessens, hope brightens, revelation comes and with it something new is born in and through each of us.

Our humanity becomes humility.  We allow for the breaking to bring beauty.  Each of us are born to birth the Kingdom into the world.  Birthing something is painful, transition is difficult, pushing is labourous but we don't do it for ourselves, we do it for what it brings into this dark world.  We do it for the light that will shine forth from the brokeness, not from a place of perfection but from the humility of a laid down life that is enveloped in grace even in the midst of the trauma of loss. We do it because what will be birthed is worth every bit of the pain.  

We do it imperfectly, we do it afraid, we do it broken, we soldier on wounded and battle scarred and that is the beauty.  That is the freedom.  That is the brave thing; to be honest in the midst of the disaster. To live in a place of truth is to live surrounded by the grace of God.  He loves authenticity.  He resides in the place of truth and establishes His freedom there.  There is no pressure to be anything but authentic.  Be real, sometimes life seems unbearable, pain continues on for far longer than we can maintain our composure, hope seems a distant untangible thought but don't give up, it is in those midnight hours that the Lord can finally push through His purposes.


In the authenticity, in the pain be sure you have invited the healer in, the grace upon grace to seep into your pain, to change it, redeem it by His power. When you stand in the pain of the fire may you glow with the grace of another, for He is with you.

Whatever pain has inpregnated your spirit, has crushed your soul, may you nourish it with the word of God, infill it with the redemptive power of God and may you birth it into the world not as pain but as a gift of grace.

May it reveal the Kingdom of Redemption.  May it offer to the world a picture of hope, a revelation of grace and a tangible delivery of redemption.

Love you my tribe, with every ounce of my broken being.

Debbie
P.S. #preaching to myself

Thank you Lord.

I have tried for days to think how I could possibly write about what I am experiencing in this season of my life.  How could I possibly share this part, this pain?  How could I possible call myself authentic if I don't share this part of the story? I would have felt like a liar telling only part of my story.  I am going to tell my story, the whole story because in the telling there is healing.

There is more than one way to deal with this type of tragedy...For me, I choose to invite it in and laugh with it. Yes, there are still tears and there is much work to be done in my heart but there is also hope.  Sooooooo, I am going to write and share and maybe it will help someone else, because let's face it we all need hope.  

You will find no juicy details here.  For now what you will find is a woman who wears the scars of a marriage destroyed by chronic infedelity (this news was as if someone had ripped my heart out and for weeks after I lived in a state of stunned devastation). I was a woman who felt humiliated and victimized for almost a month after I found out and then I decided....enough is enough.  I will not be defined by this situation.  I have lost a son, a marriage, a job, a church, but I have not lost the most important thing and that is my faith. This is not the ending of a story, this is a new beginning.  This unintended journey, is still a God journey.  This is not what I would have chosen, I wanted a happily ever after story.  However, in the midst of this pain there is a purpose and I choose to lean into it and be better for it.

Here is the deal.  I could continue to cry and lament(and I may still some) about what I have lost and let's just be honest I have done that already... I could keep doing that or I can turn my thinking around.....
I am thankful for twenty three years of marriage.
I am thankful for the life my husband provided for me.
I am thankful for all the good parts of my husband.
I am thankful for my children.
I am thankful for all the good times and family vacations.
I am thankful for being able to travel around the world.
I am thankful for the opportunity to do missions trips to Kenya.
I am thankful for the opportunity to partner with God and build an amazing church.
I am thankful for the community of believers that taught me love.
I am thankful for the person God has made me through all of my life experiences.
I am thankful that in the midst of broken dreams, broken vows and broken hearts there is laughter and the will to go on.

The enemy is chasing me, there is a wrecking ball in my mind(you can surely imagine) but I run into the Holy of Holies and he doesn't dare enter there.  So that's where you will find me.  When you are there, whether it is in worship in a church or prayer time in your home know that we are connected through the Spirit. I miss so many of my sweet friends but I know our hearts are forever tied together.

By the way, I still believe in "Happily Ever After" I just think it is going to look a lot different than I expected.  I am thankful that we live in resurrection power, He can resurrect my broken heart.
As a matter of fact, I think God is doing an upgrade.

So....this is the beginning of my sharing the most brutal of experiences and how God is walking me through it.

Love you my tribe!

Debbie

Sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes, we are holding our breath.
Sometimes our broken little hearts are waiting for the next bad thing to happen,
Sometimes, it happens.
Sometimes, our broken little hearts get beat up.
Sometimes,  but never destroyed.
Sometimes, when we can't breathe for ourselves because the pain is too much....
Sometimes, He breathes for us.
Sometimes, our broken little hearts become somehow bigger
Sometimes,  the cracks from brokeness give room for expansion.
Sometimes, the worst possible things teach us things we would never choose to learn.
Sometimes, when we look past the heartache their is wholeness on the horizon.
Sometimes, when we are holding our breath He is holding our hand.
Sometimes, our broken little hearts get massaged by the Father.
Sometimes, He brings us back to life.
Sometimes, that is called revival.
Sometimes, it's now
Sometimes, it's later
Always, it's right on time.


Be brave sweet friends, this too shall pass.  
Debbie

Rest in Peace

Rest in Peace

Last night as I prayed and sought the Lord.  As my mind swirled and my heart broke for what I knew was wounding and hurting others I asked the Lord to fill my mind with his heart. My heart banging in my chest like a locomotive.   Anxiety tossing my emotions back and forth I cried out over and over.
I felt my mind fill with this one simple phrase...
Rest in Peace.
Rest in peace.  What the heck?  Was He talking about my Justin?  No, that didn't seem to fit. Rest in Peace.  I have always heard this in regards to someone stepping into eternity. Notice I did'nt say dead. Death is momentary, a split second after that it is all eternity.
Anyway....as I tried to get clarity on this occured to me:
There is no resting in heaven.  You don't need rest in heaven.  Why do we say rest in peace?  Peace is a given in heaven.  You are in the presence of Jesus, in the presence of the Prince of Peace.  I think Peace is a sure bet.  As a matter of fact heaven is full of the fruit of the Spirit.  I think all our undeveloped fruit, is going to be huge and beautiful there.  Like the Land of Canaan, abundance like we have never seen or dreamed of.
Anyway....
I closed my eyes and saw a headstone.  Rest in peace.  Rest in peace.  Rest in peace.  I can choose peace now.  I am not sure how to get there but apparently it has something to do with rest.  It has to do with dying and appartently dying is very painful but the living that comes in the resurrection is full of joy.  Rest in peace.  Rest in the arms of the Prince of Peace.  Rest in the knowledge that all things work together for good.  Rest in peace, He is there. Invite peace into your circumstances, seek it in every moment, peace is there.
I am trying to get there.  Trying to calm the raging storm in my soul, trying to rest in peace, holding fast to the promise of resurrection life. Trying to find rest for my soul in that peace, in the Prince of Peace. In the peace that comes from resting in Him.  My heart is still pounding, my mind still racing and sometimes I feel like I am dying..... but I am seeking peace, choosing peace.

So I choose to rest in peace and I will probably have to continue to choose that until I don't have to anymore.  Until peace is just how I live, not what I have to choose.  Dying is never easy friends.

Rest in Peace friends, and live in Hope.

Debbie

P.S. For more on the whole "dying to yourself" topic read Galatians 5 and Ephesians 4.

Grief: Walking on the Edge of the Cliff

I was just talking to someone Tuesday about how grief is a little like always walking along a cliff.  It is always there just waiting for you to tumble into the abyss.  It doesn't take much when you are already on the edge, to just fall in.  You try to distance yourself but the truth is, I think we will walk by the edge always when we  have lost a child.  You can find a way to be steadier, you can find a way to walk stronger but the cliff is always there and if you aren't careful....in you will go.  Then it is time to claw your way out, pray your way out, thank your way out and if that doesn't work you start calling for help.  Yep, grief is a weird thing.

I fell in yesterday, right into the dark pit.  Gary is scheduled for open heart surgery July 27th, this is a great thing.  Except it isn't.  Someone will be missing.  Justin came last time Gary was in the hospital as soon as he heard.  He prayed for Gary, he sat with us and he made us laugh.  This time he won't be there and on top of a few other things, that pushed me right over into that place, the grief place.

So today I am trying to reframe things.  Thinking about how thankful I am that God sends people into my life to show his love, that I am surronded by loving friends, that I have a wonderful family, that this surgery is a good thing, that life is not all bad......it just isn't.  Sometimes it may feel like it but it is not.  In the middle of all of this (I won't bore you with all the messy details) God is still good.  I can find joy in my mess, hope is actually right on the horizon if I will put my eyes on Him.

My husbands heart is too big, its a funny problem really.  His heart is too big and mine sometimes shrinks to a hard little stone out of fear.  I am learning to not shrink back, to fight for love.  To feel more, to love more along this journey.  Love is something we have to fight for.  I am fighting for more and more of it, to fill my heart to overflow so that it pushes out any and all fear and doubt. That's what love does, it drives out fear.

So yes, I had a bad day yesterday.  It was also a good day.  Someone brought me a gift, a reminder that God is smack dab in the middle of the bad day.  The day helped me to process through why I felt so sad and I didn't stay there.  I woke up and started a new day, a good day.

I woke up this morning remembering that God swallowed death.  I have always loved that verse. death is temporary, so small that it can be swallowed up like a little cookie by our BIG GOD.  One day all this will be unimportant but in the meantime, let's all live well.  Let's love at every opportunity, speak love and give love.  That is how we stay out of the pit, how we win even over death. 

I am in progress, growing daily but not perfected.  Thanks for the grace and understanding.

Love you people,
Debbie



18 There is no fear in love: but perfect love casteth out fear, because fear hath punishment; and he that feareth is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18 (ASV)

8 He hath swallowed up death for ever; and the Lord Jehovah will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the reproach of his people will he take away from off all the earth: for Jehovah hath spoken it.
Isaiah 25:8 (ASV)


54 But when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. 55 O death, where is thy victory? O death, where is thy sting?
1 Cor 15:54-55 (ASV)

Be Fearless

This is what I hear the Lord saying to me....be fearless.  Fear is the exact opposite of love and perfect love cast out fear.  I have plenty of love, I think, but still struggle with fear.  I love all things brave.  I lean into things and force myself to be brave and do them.  I have grown by leaps and bounds in the "being brave" arena.

Fearless, that is a different story.  Fearless: To be devoid of fear.  Hhmmmm....this seems like something different.  His love cast out fear, understanding His love cast out fear.  He is the kindest, most loving, perfect, strongest, amazing, gentlest, sweetest, compassionate, cheerleader, all knowing,  I could go on and on....when I remember how good He really is, in all things then He becomes my fear-eater!  That's right He devours my crippling fear.

I don't have to manufacture any emotions, I simply need to remember who He is.  He is the one who knows all things and turns all things and loves all the bits and pieces of my emotions, soul and will.  He gets me, like no one else ever will because He made me.  So today I choose to be fearless because my father has made me to live secure in Him, in the only fear that He ordained and that is the fear of the Lord.  The reverence for the amazing character of God of which I continue to see unfold before my eyes on a daily basis.  May I never lose the wonder of who He is and may that always cast fear out of my mind.  And may that be the only "out of my mind",  I experience. LOL.

Standing in faith, being brave and learning to live fearless.

Love you people!