I remember the call. The disbelief. The panic of his Father on the other end of the line. He just walked in and found him like that, unconscious. I think he's dead, he said. They are working on him, the EMT’s. They are doing CPR. He is giving me a description of all that is happening. I am listening intently, my husband and I are listening on the phone and we are praying. He is calling from his phone because mine is going dead....I am screaming at Justins Dad....don’t let them quit working on my boy! My mind is racing, I can see it all in my head. We are disconnected, my phone goes dead. I am sobbing great breaths, Darrik is there....my boys. My thoughts are racing, where is Jacob? Luke is at school he will be home soon. My mind is racing through a thousand scenarios.
I wish I was all better, I wish my life hadn't crumbled into a million pieces but I can't change what has happened only how I react, how I am changed by what has happened. I haven't done it perfectly but I have done my best. Five years later I am still untangling the pain, still examining my complicated relationship with my God and hoping for Gods best possible outcome for my life despite my human frailty. I am still fighting for hope every day of my life, still fighting to live my life with joy, still fighting to believe the best is possible, fighting for my dreams and most of all fighting for a chance to bring glory to God in the midst of this lovely, brutiful life.
For the most part I find happiness in the "new things". In the new grandbaby coming, in the new friendships, in the new me, in the new art and in the new life that is slowly being laid out before me step by step. I am no warrior, just a fighter and I am a believer in hope.
Thanks for joining me on this journey. Be encouraged, we can each survive the worst and find hope, healing and joy. Dig deep, search hard and hold on to hope. I still believe it is going to be a great next chapter.