What No One Tells You....

I am blessed to be a Mother!

I used to cry myself to sleep at night.  I used to wake up crying.  The light of dawn filling the room, for just a moment I would feel peace and like the old me then I would suddenly remember that life as I knew it was over.  There is a marker in my life on that day; The before Justin died and the after Justin died.  They seem like two different lifetimes; like that me was just a shadow of this me.  This me is battle tested and nothing compares to this.  The beating of grief has washed over me day in and day out like torture.  No one tells you it will be like that, no one tells you the dark thoughts you will have.  How you will lay in bed wishing you could die(nobody wants to admit that).  How regret will cause you to question everything in your life.  How time stands still and yet suddenly weeks have gone by and you can’t remember how you functioned every day.  No one tells you that anger will fill your heart,spilling over unto those closeset to you.  How you will look for things to distract you but in the end your mind will always return to the pain.  No one tells you how alone you will feel even when you are surrounded by people or how hollow everyone’s words will seem.  No one tells you how your theology will get tested and twisted.  No one tells you how dark the darkest depths are and that when you are there you will want to claw your way out but you will be paralyzed and unable to do anything.  No one tells you that God will seem distant and hope will seem bleak.  I suppose they are hoping it will be different for you, not so horrific.  

The cold hard truth is it is impossible to describe the pain, there are no words in the dictionary that can adequately express the madness of it all. That your worst imaginations will never measure up to the true pain.  No one can tell you that eventually you will find your way back out of the darkness and that faith will be increased, if you just hold on.  You just can't believe them.  You have to figure that out for yourself, moment by moment, day by day.  

Yet, at the very heart of it is this one fact…..it does gradually get easier, it never goes away of that I am certain.  If a day goes by and I don’t think about Justin, then just as soon as I hit the pillow there he is.  A thought, a memory, will flood in and drown me.  No one tells you how often you will be thrown back into the depths.  How someone who looks like your loved one will make you want to run and hug them, how some smell will remind you or how every holiday will be different because that loved one is not there.  There is a longing that will never be filled on this side of heaven and so we simply put one foot in front of the other and keep marching onward towards the finish line.

Along the way there is plenty to celebrate and enough joy to overcome the sorrow (most of the time).  I refuse to be defined by this tragedy, but it has certainly changed me.  Grief has shaped me and even more so God has used it to shape me.  He has remodeled my heart and repurposed my life.   I am a completely different person in so many ways, that is not to say I don’t like the new me.  I think I do, it’s just hard to get used to her.  This new me cares very little about perfection, appearances or what anyone else thinks about me.  This new me, cares more about love than loss, more about others than self, more about hope than reality, more about heaven than hell, more about grace than the “in your face” truth that I used to feel so strongly about, I care more about surrender than winning, basically this new me is an upgrade from the old me. 

 It’s a hard thing to say God can turn all things to the good when it is your child that is missing from your life.  But I can say that…..He is(meaning it is a process) turning all things to the good.   I can emphatically say that healing comes through both laughter and tears and the struggle does make you stronger.  No matter what you are walking through, it will not last forever.  One day we will step into heaven and there will be no tears there.  So in the meantime find some laughter and shed some tears.  I promise, it will get better. Celebrate what you do have.  I have two wonderful sons and I am thankful for that. 

 It is getting better, I am getting better, I am celebrating....except when I am not.  There is grace for the back and forth pace of grief. 

I just finished the “trifecta” of grief events; Justins birthday, Together in His Arms 5K and Mothers Day all in one week.  

I thought I was doing okay with it, even a little proud of myself until........ I lost my sh*t over missing tables at church.  Seriously, lost it.  Acted like a crazy woman.  Something about losing things makes me a mad woman.  I have already lost something so huge that I don’t want to lose anything else….even if it is just tables. So my pattern when this happens is to get ridiculously worked up, search and scream until I find whatever is missing.  I suppose it has something to do with having no power to find my son and so I want to exert my power to find anything lost.  Then when it is found, I realize that I wasn’t rational at all which is embarrassing and so I start to cry.  I repeat over and over again I just wanted to find it, as if that makes any sense.  Yesterday, after we found the tables,  I saw our ushers face as he was trying to talk to me and I was starting to cry and mumble, I just needed to find them.  He was slowly backing away completely perplexed and I realized I am a bit freaky. Thankfully he is full of grace.  

Anyway….. I made it through, which is my point.  In the end, we make it through.  Whatever it is, however it looks, we win in the end.  It gets better.  I know letting go of my grief isn’t the same as letting go of my Son and memories of him.  Letting go just means trusting God to keep Justin alive in my heart in the good days and the bad days until we get there. 

Thank you to all my friends and family that extend grace and shine the light in my life.  We live in hope that our lives will light the way for those that walk this journey behind us.  Make the world a brighter place people!