Who knew that with flies buzzing, musquitos biting and sweat dripping, you could feel so happy. That a broken heart can sometimes be mended with a hundred voices singing slightly out of tune. Who knew that bringing pencils and crayons could be such a cause for celebration? That women who live with so much less could actually have so much more. Who knew that giving of yourself could feel like a stepping stone toward finding yourself again? Somewhere in the heat and the dirt, somewhere in the songs and the stories life feels like it is finding a new way with the old me. I breathe out sorrow and breathe in life. Looking into faces that are all to acquinted with pain and suffering, I see joy. Not manufactured, not temporary, just joy. There is a slowness, a peace that I can almost touch...and I want it. To let the sorrow slip from my grasp and to rest in this place. This kenyan heat and kenyan peace.
So when she asked if I could stay, my heart leapt. Excuses screamed, fear knotted my stomach but I remembered that this is my year of living brave. So I prayed. So many responsibilities at home, so many people I miss, my boys....how could it all work? My mental wheels turned but I knew this was nothing I could reason out. A family decision, a God decision, these are whats important...I leap into the presence of God and seek. Seeking answers. Seeking Him who knows me and knows my tribe.
The verse He gives is at once stunning and scary.
1 Cor 16:9 but I will stay on...because a great door for effective service has been opened to me....
I cry because He knows my faith and trust me anyway. I cry because He loves me enough to give me assurance. I cry because I miss my tribe and yet this feels right. My boys tell me they will be fine....sigh...and I believe them. My husband tells me he will be fine...sigh...and I believe him. And so I push forward, trusting that God will use me and I will be better for having chosen to be brave.
Then in the midst of uncertainty, destiny, and healing my husband says the sweetest thing....
I know Kenya is good ground to sow the most beautiful thing i have to sow, you!
I am undone at his words, thankful for this man that loves me and teaches me the beauty of sacrifice.
The bus leaves, the team is gone, my Mom is gone and I feel alone and yet not alone. The joy of kenyan faces wraps itself around my heart, the hope of healing floods my heart, tears dry and I am left with opportunity. Opportunity for service. Opportunity for joy. Opportunity for peace. Opportunity for rest. Opportunity for the old me to become the new me. Opening the door to joy, loosening my grasp on grief.
- March 31, 2014
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