This Sacred Journey

This Sacred Journey

pain and loss
hope and strength
tears and fragmented life
deepest pain and dazzling joy
valley deep and desert dry
mountain top and vision fueled

shadowy and hopeless
joy and piercing pain
confusion and clarity
in and out of light
endless and forever

friends and enemies
dark anguish and shimmering light
unwavering faith and painful disappointment
difficult and yet possible
lost and yet found

scarred and enlightened
truth and revelation
power and pain
trauma and grace
journey and expansion
life and merciful death
eternity and unspeakable joy
sacred

A NEW THING

“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
There it is! I’m making a road through the desert,
    rivers in the badlands.  Isaiah 43: 19-20??

Before I was a wife, a mother and a pastor, I was an artist.  I dreamed of painting every day for the rest of my life.  I graduated with a Bachelors of Fine Art, then life happened.  It does that, doesn't it.  Life has its twist and turns, it takes you places you could never have dreamed of and you end up on a new trajectory.  

I found new ways to express my creativity through messages, event decorating, scrapbooking, fliers, any opportunity that came my way. The true artist, the confident, abandoned to the process, artist was locked deep away in my soul.  
Locked away for way too many years, starved for affection, my inner artist was dying.  She was locked away and slumbered in that place hoping to one day be awakened again. 

Everything changed in 2011 tragedy struck and with it a need to process and the only thing that worked was journaling, bleeding out on paper.   

Then Carrie Todd (my hero)offered an art journal class at the church that cracked my soul wide open.  The church became a hotbed of creativity, we began painting during worship sessions, I began painting at home in an art journal and feeling like a bird with a broken wing.  Not quite flying but at least fluttering my wings, stretching, jumping and growing.  Slowly I started painting on canvas, finding my way bit by bit.  

Then in 2013 my son Justin, went to heaven.  I couldn't process.  My brain wasn't functioning and slowly I started painting.  Everything was dark in the beginning, black shapes and black words that were haunting me.  The more I painted,journaled and spent time in God's presence the pain became different.  I began to be able to own it, accept it, understand it and the colors became brighter.  I will never be without the sacred scar, an unhealed wound that will often be reopened with just a thought, a memory or even someone elses pain that brings mine to the surface.  I live with it in a Holy place, the secret is I live with it but not in it.  

Then in 2015 my world unraveled after finding out my then husband had been unfaithful basically our entire marriage(except four years, he explained).  As I listened to him tell me the different women I once again found myself unable to process.  In the beginning I just tried to wake up and not weep all day, the culmination of loss had just been too much.  But God.

Now today, the Lord has healed what was so broken.  It was a process, a creative process and a deep heart work process.  I had to dig deep into my cycles of self destruction:people pleasing, bad boys, fear, co dependence, etc.  There were cycles so deeply embedded that it took some real revelation from God to see them for what they really are. I am not done with the work, it continues on.  

These things....these cycles were just lurking behind the curtain of my life, masked in good things.  Like everything in our lives there is a good side and a bad side.  Balance is so key, but well....I had no balance. My level of intensity and devotion became a negative and that became ingrained and kept me out of balance.  Well, that among a myraid of other things. The "other things" we will save for another day. 

We all have those "things" that are just a part of us, but we can break free of them.  That's exactly what I have been working on.  

Here is the HOPE nugget:  it's working.  

Bringing things into the light, acknowledging my broken pieces and allowing Jesus into those places is working.  I see myself much more clearly, I love myself much more deeply, I love what I create regardless of what others think, I love God and trust Him in a whole new way.  

I HAVE PEACE!!  Okay, I have peace most of the time. I am not immune to the occassional freak out or melt down.  

All that to say, I am an artist and a counselor.  This is who I am, who God created me to be.  I don't need to fight it, or become someone or something else.  I just need to live in it, walk in it and experience the freedom that comes from being recklessly in love with the dreams and visions God has given me.  

Thirtythree years ago I was a kid in college who dreamed of being an artist and helping people(I worked with aquatics for brain injury recovery).  Thirty three years later I find myself having the life experience that has equipped me for that dream.  Who could have known all the twist and turns that would take me on this journey or what it would take to unlock the creativity that had been shut down 25 years ago (that is a whole other blog that needs to be written).  Seriously?  I sold motor oil, then became a pastor, then went and got my Master's in Biblical Counseling, completing and then teaching in the International School of Ministry all the while learning from an incredible community of friends. 


Friends, God knew all along what HE was creating and HE sent you to me.  Some of you were for a season and some of you are for a lifetime. 

Life is crazy sometimes but often things that look like they will kill you are actually resurrecting you!  No pain is wasted, no struggle without it's value, every last bit of your life experience is bringing forth good.  

The seed in me died at some point and life kept me focused and growing but now.....a new thing is bursting forth.  The years of being fearless, of choosing to live and not die, the brave lessons have all culminated for such a time as this.  

Everyone who has loved me shares in this, you taught me what real love was, you showed me such intimate care that I could see Jesus in you.  You stood in the darkness with me, you carried the pain when I couldn't and you believed, you always believed in me. You people, my tribe you are all an intricate part of this new thing.  

Be happy for me, join me in finding more freedom.  I really thought I was free(that's the funny thing)but there is always more!  Levels and levels of freedom to be experienced but we must engage, be vigilant to seek the deep work of the Holy Spirit and see the ugly.  Seeing the ugly is exactly what helps us to burn it down and watch the ashes turn into beauty.

It's hard work but worth every minute of it.  So for now, I am chasing my dreams.  Painting every minute I can and trying to sell my art.  Working my job and life with distinct purpose and not for anyone else but for me.  I have the power and confidence to design my own life.  I am no longer willing to settle in any area of my life.  I love myself that much.  Amazing isn't it. 

I hope you will join me in this journey.  Follow my progress, it is going to get crazy and I hope it will encourage other crazies!  I am a hope enterpreneur, a confident, bold, lover of God and others and all I want is to be ME and lead others to be their best THEM.  LETS DO IT FRIENDS. 

Monday, my Weak Day...

This picture, this joy, these boys...sometimes the joy and pain
of being a mother is overwhelming.  

Why do Mondays seem like the sh*ts.  Yes, I just said that but I put a little asterick so maybe that makes it ok?    Focus is difficult, hope is blah, strength is missing, I really hate Mondays.  My son died on a Monday.  Mondays are difficult for a million reasons.  I counted time based on Mondays for so long that I think Mondays became ingrained in my sorrow.

There are no easy answers here, in this weird place.  This place where grief is no longer expected from the outside world, but inside my heart it was just yesterday.

This is the marathon.  It is a sprint to survive. This is the marathon to thrive with the grief.  To drag joy into the grief, to choose hope instead of hopelessness. This is the exchanging that has to happen daily....taking off the grave clothes and resurrecting joy.  It seems I can do it every other day of the week, but Mondays sometimes just drag me down.  I can't get into the swing of things and yet I am obsessed with getting on the ball, starting the week well.   That starts a cycle of condemnation, an old tape runs through my mind quietly whispering "What is wrong with you?"  I want Monday to be a place of victory and strength and yet it is often a vulnerable, scary day where I visit the old instead of live in the new.

I stand at the tomb and cry out,  "DEBBIE come out!"  No one answers.

Unlike Lazarus, I can't seem to find my way out of the tomb.  I lay bound up in the guilt, the questions and the regrets.  Doubt and confusion ebb and flow through my work day.

Let's be honest don't we all have these kinds of "weakdays" sometimes instead of "weekdays"?

In my mind I know all the answers, in my heart I know what I should do.  Doing it, well on Mondays that seems extra hard.  The grave clothes seem to cover me and it's hard to see my true identity. Isn't that what Satan always wants to give us, an identity crisis?

Monday becomes a weak day, not just a weekday.  It's supposed to be a beginning day for me, but if I am not careful and don't govern myself well it becomes a weak day.  I am too weak to stay focused, to weary to hear His voice and I am suceptible to Satans whispers.  Monday becomes condemnation day instead of a Holy day.  Ratz, why did I let this happen again (I know better)?

So I preach the gospel to myself and I keep reminding myself this is not a sprint, it's a marathon.  Just like in a marathon, I sometimes hit the wall.  Today I choose to run my guts out, even though nothing in me feels like I can make it past the next mile marker. I know from experience, I can and I will. I have muscle memory with Jesus, I know how to keep moving forward.

I don't know who I will be when I cross the finish line but this I know......I will cross it, even if I have to crawl across it.  Maybe I will choose to dance across it with a new song in my heart.

So here's to all my friends who have "weakdays" sometimes instead of "weekdays".  Friends, who share their struggles and remind me that tomorrow is another day and joy comes in the morning!

Embracing Transition and Ironic Red Words

The irony of this message I wrote 6/6/12 does not escape me.... This old message found me recently through total accident but fits everything happening so well.  When I wrote this I had no idea what was coming, the message-the word is still a powerful reminder of how to have victory through the uncomfortable process of change and transition.  I changed as little as possible out of the original text, but had to take a little bit of you know who out.  That season will always be special to me but well ya know....it's over.  So enjoy...keep in mind I was preaching it so there are bold words to keep me on track and off my notes and it reads like how I talk....I hate editing. Funny thing, not liking to edit when you love to write. Some day I will edit everything with the help of someone who loves to edit.  Is that you?  

Anyway...change is coming!  Can't wait to share more about all that with you. 

P.S. I added my current notes to this message in ironic red!!!  For some reason this makes me laugh hysterically.  xoxo

I am committed to chasing my dreams and visions like never before!!

Launhcing out and Embracing Transition  preached 6/6/2012

I began to pray on this one word….this is a word that I am very familiar with….this is a word that I have to admit I don’t much care for….Transition.  Liking it more now

Transition means change….and quite frankly I don’t much like change.

 I like a well thought out plan, I like organization not surprises.  I like to know right where I am going and how I am going to get there.  Oh sure I change, but left up to me it would just be slow and steady like a river carving out a slightly different edge, however……Boy, no kidding!!!

Jesus after all brought transition.

Hebrews 9:16-17 (MSG) ^16-17 Like a will that takes effect when someone dies, the new covenant was put into action at Jesus’ death. His death marked the transition from the old plan to the new one, canceling the old obligations and accompanying sins, and summoning the heirs to receive the eternal inheritance that was promised them. He brought together God and his people in this new way.

Now, God sometimes does things slow but often he creates a dam that forces change. When the dam burst, I learned to curse.  bahahaha  No judging.  It felt like the only thing that worked to express my emotions.  

I was thinking about the best example of transition I can come up with and it involves birthing a baby.  When I was pregnant with my son Jacob, we did all the maternity classes and in those classes they talked about transitioning  from one level of labor to another. 

I think there were three levels of labor…well Gary was all prepared with his little cheat sheet of what each level was like and how each season of labor would look…early labor, active labor and transition!! 

Transitional labor is the home stretch but it is also the worst…I will never forget him running to get the nurse because I was throwing up and her coming back into the room and saying oooohhhh she has progressed (I had been at a 2 and suddenly I was an 8) fast she is ready to push this baby out and my ex saying…..wait a minute she didn’t do the second level,  he looks at his little cheat sheet and says the active labor part, we didn’t get to do our breathing….she looked at him kinda funny and said sir whether you are on board or not she is pushing this baby out! 

This is kinda how transitions are, whether we think we are ready or not….here they come!  btw I am pushing now to birth something new!

Transitions are hard but they always precede a new level in our lives…when we push through the transition we will find ourselves in new territory. 

 And yet change or transitions are one of the most feared things that we as human beings encounter.                                               

WE resist it with every fiber of our being.  We love stability.  But the inevitable fact of life is that it always changes. 

The only thing constant is change.

I have had a lot of transition in my life, forced situational transition. Death of my son, loss of a marriage, loss of a church, moving, learning to date, new job, new life, etc.  No shortage here of transition. 

Like in labor, this transition made me sick….physically a little, but spiritually it rocked me and I had to choose to walk out my faith, not dwell on the negative and begin to press forward for the promise Land of hope. 

You see what I have grown to recognize is that God doesn’t bring transition into our life just for the sake of change.  Transition is moving from one point to another.  Moving forward. Moving forward also means leaving what is behind....not easy. 

When we begin to get uncomfortable, when things seem shaky and our way of life is shifting, we need to realize that God is taking us somewhere.  He is repositioning us!

There are things we cannot grasp where we are at, and so God in His wisdom strategically repositions us so that we will be able to access things that we could never get to in the place we had been.  So excited as I hang here suspended in mid-air reaching for the next thing and letting go of some of the old!  Taking the risk, I can see the "new thing" right in front of me and I will not go back.  

I can’t pretend to understand why God has allowed the twist and turns in my life,  but I do know that through that He changed me. 

So I have been journeying my way through this on-going transition which doesn’t mean that there have not been other changes happening at the same time.

Like many of us would say….life keeps changing…evolving and not with my plan but it is God’s perfect plan!

So when I share on transition and embracing it rather than fearing it, please know I am a living, walking testimony to God’s grace to get us through to the other side in victory!

So all that to say….let’s look at

Luke 8:22-25 (MSG)

22 One day he and his disciples got in a boat. "Let's cross the lake," he said. And off they went.

23 It was smooth sailing, and he fell asleep. A terrific storm came up suddenly on the lake. Water poured in, and they were about to capsize.

24 They woke Jesus: "Master, Master, we're going to drown!" Getting to his feet, he told the wind, "Silence!" and the waves, "Quiet down!" They did it. The lake became smooth as glass.

25 Then he said to his disciples, "Why can't you trust me?" They were in absolute awe, staggered and stammering, "Who is this, anyway? He calls out to the winds and sea, and they do what he tells them!"

I want you to catch the symbolism here….The boat (get on board with Jesus) Off they went (Go) The wind was blowing (the unseen forces were at work)  the waves were rolling (the problems we can actually see)  Sometimes just the unseen blowing and battering against our minds can get us off course…but sometimes it’s both the unseen and the seen!

         A side note here:  They were smack dab in the middle of Gods will and still there arose a terrible storm. I often think of this...the discouragement that comes with doing what your are sure you are called to do and yet it fails.  It gets all sideways.  The slow wearing down and giving up the fight.  

In the middle of God’s will we will still face real challenges, loss of job, loss of a dream, loss of a loved one, loss of finances, opposition, conflict….it doesn’t matter what it is, it matters how we respond.   I didn't always get it right, the pain was so great I lost my mind for a bit...true story.

WE have to remember if God brought us to it, He will bring us through it! I got through it, it did not kill me.  It made me different and better.  The pain ravaged me but also left me naked and ready for change. The flesh that was eaten away, the pride that died, in the end it is good. Honestly often at the end of a bad day I will say, "Well, no one died so it's still a good day."  Talk about perspective change. 

When the storm is raging don’t doubt God’s plan, don’t waver in your determination.  We must remember the storm is not the destination but the pathway to the destination.  Don’t ask why the storm has come, ask how to get through it!

So I want you to get 4 main points out of this text today.

1.    Jesus says, Get into the boat there is somewhere we need to go…..THERE IS A PLACE OF PURPOSE HE WANTS TO GET US TO…..We need to transition to the other side….He knew the need on the other side…He was positioning them to minister to a need and impact a city! They hit the shore and deliverance came….if you keep reading you see that as they came on shore a naked, possessed man came to them….Jesus delivered him and then Jesus sent him on his way proclaiming how good God was…. So you see that in order for them to be in a place of purpose they would have to cross a sea and weather a storm.

To get to this new place of ministry there were going to be real challenges….They had to leave the multitude, the multitude represented the followers…they were following but their level of commitment was one of MEDIOCRITY.  I don't know if I would be that hard on them today.  They hadn't been through enough with Jesus to understand the level of trust they could put in HIM.  I know Him today in a different way.  I trust Him in a new way because of the storms. 

Their focus was on what Jesus could do for them, to get in the boat you have to be focused on what you can do in the name of Jesus!  We will all face moments of decision….where you will have to decide to follow Jesus IN A NEW LEVEL OF FAITH or to stay in the safe, comfortable place with the multitude.  You can stay with the multitude and eat the manna or the fishes and the loaves…In other words you can be saved and enjoy the bread of life or you can go, you can move into the adventure and purposes God has for you and be a part of the miraculous not just a bystander!!    Settlers or developers….We will all have to make the choice when Jesus says…Let’s go! I am saying Let's go!!

If we are unwilling to let go of the old we will not experience the new things God has for us! I am letting go and not even afraid, well most of the time not afraid. 

There are times where we are faced with decisions and we could play it safe, stay with the crowd but God is calling us to step into the boat and go to the other side!  Bring revolution to the world….isn’t that what Jesus did??

We have to learn to be strong and courageous and get into the boat so that we can be positioned for great things!

Three times in Deuteronomy Moses commands the people to be strong and of good courage….specifically he is talking to the younger generation because the older had an epic failure and would not cross over into the promise land and so to those who would he said BE STRONG AND OF GOOD COURAGE FOR YOUR Lord goes with you!! I am braver than I have ever been, its so much funner!!  Is that a word? 

That brings me to point #2

2.   Storms will come, but don’t forget who’s with you…..

Don’t forget who is in the boat with you!  What we possess is greater than the challenges we face….

When we really believe this then we will be ready to possess the Promise Land. 

In the greatest trials of my life….I worship….singing to my iphone my heart is calmed as I realize Jesus is with me.  I can feel His presence and I was reminded that this didn’t take Him by surprise.                                                                                  

That we were not alone in this….the creator of the universe the invisible God becomes visible to me in that moment.  Boat or ambulance, home or office, church or street, whatever vehicle God is using to move us…whatever storm we are facing HE IS WITH US! 

3.   Watch your words!!  They cried out we are going to drown….watch your confession….I think this aggravated Jesus….  We must learn to say what Jesus said…Peace be still!   Even when I struggle with thoughts of fear, I did my best not to give voice to them.  Though the storm may rage we too can have peace in the midst.  Jesus who lives in us offers us that peace…We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.  Learn to control what you say, what you confess….force yourself to speak good things, hopeful things even in the midst of difficult transition.  Open your eyes and your heart to see the good in the difficult, it is always there.  Let that rule in your heart and therefor come out of your mouth. 

4.   Look for the fresh revelation!  Coming through the storm often gives us fresh revelation of who God is!!                                     The disciples suddenly had a new awe and respect for Jesus….He calms the storm, He commands the wind…New understanding of Jesus had come to their hearts and every transition we face has the ability to show us the power of Jesus if we will embrace it rather than resent it!                                                                                                                                                  Watch for it, He is there and He wants us to know Him in new ways.  My fresh revelations come in some of the most difficult of moments, but they have also come progressively as I have seen my trust in Him grow. 

I want to move quickly towards the destiny God has for us, I don’t want to waste time doing meaningless things…I want to make every minute count for eternity. 

Ok so

#1.  Get into the boat!  There is a purpose.

#2.  Don’t forget who’s with you!

#3.  Watch your words

#4   Look for fresh revelation!

God is using every transition to help us reach our God given destinies, He provides protection, direction, encouragement and accountability as we are together in the body of Christ….and here is the good news….Jesus said in Matthew 16 that the gates of hell shall not prevail against it!!

I want to leave you with one last verse…

 Isaiah 40:27-31 (MSG)

27 Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying, "GOD has lost track of me. He doesn't care what happens to me"? 28 Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening? GOD doesn't come and go. God lasts. He's Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. 29 He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. 30 For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. 31 But those who wait upon GOD get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind.

I know we all struggle with wanting to complain….because life seems somehow unfair but….God knows about the difficulties and problems of His people.

If we belong to Him, He is able to quiet the storms of life, and we his children are able to learn in the storm.

When we find ourselves in the midst of a storm, instead of sitting and crying and being upset with God….we need to get excited because He is repositioning us for greater things!!

He is strategically repositioning us so that we can access more and more of His grace and power because we must bring His kingdom to earth.  WE must be plundering hell…fighting for the lost at every opportunity!!

Are you getting this?  He is pushing us to change, because transition is good… I am learning to rely more and more on God because I must.  I put a heavier demand on Him because I cannot do it in my own strength. 

Beloved, regardless of who we are, if we are going to move with God through this earth, it will cost us something.  It felt like a high price, but somehow it all makes sense now in some weird way.  It's all the living, all the trauma, all the loss that has taught me a new thing, that broke open my creative heart and broke off the necessary things!  

It’s not going to be easy, we will have to launch out in the boat, we will face storms, we will be approached by mad men in need of deliverance….But God will furnish us strength and equip us with everything we need if we will be bold and courageous.

If we will step into the boat….not kicking and screaming but genuinely saying to the Lord….I’m ready, take me to new places…change doesn’t scare me into paralysis but rather I am excited about what you are doing God and I will confess that you are doing a good thing regardless of what it looks like in the natural!! 

So maybe today you are on the edge of the shore and Jesus is saying come on we have somewhere we need to go, get in the boat or maybe you are in the boat and the storm is raging, and Jesus is saying will you trust me right now in the midst of this or are you going to scream out in doubt and fear or maybe He is giving you fresh revelation right now….

The bottom line is He doesn’t want us to play it safe in the multitude, Jesus doesn’t want us to settle for “just enough” like the Israelites…..He wants us to launch out in hope…to overcome the storm and be overcomers…to pass the test so that it can become our testimony….to allow ourselves to be repositioned for greatness…this is our time to change our world.  

Isn't it so funny that I wrote that in 2012 and my whole life is different now.  Are you laughing, you should be...joy is meant to be contagious.

Love you my precious tribe!  This is just the beginning of something so stunning, of a turning of all things to good, of a tsunami of hope and a well spring of grace.  Soon and very soon I will share more.  Until then, thanks for joining me on this journey and loving all the bits and pieces of me. 

Dating and my crazy life

Even grown up women send these 
types of pictures to dudes! Well maybe
not just like this but you get the idea. 

Dating is crazy weird when you are 50 (ok I am 52, whatever).

So here is a rambling unedited story of my misadventures in dating.  I am terrible at it, I mention unmentionable things that terrify dates, I like everyone but can't see myself with anyone, I self sabotage, run when I start feeling something, chicken out of meetings, can't sleep because I am terrified I am missing out on the right one, I want something that may very likely be impossible.

In the meantime, I am lonely.  Genuienly lonely for companionship, laughter, someone to share the details of my life with and someone who "gets me".  To know and to be known is how we were created, this driving passion for relationship is a God given desire.  I long for more meaningful relationships in my life and yet have little time to develop them.  It's quite the conundrum.

Or they send very doctored photos,
not that I am opposed to a little filter action
but I would like to not be afraid
of someone seeing the
real me.  

I am probably not that different from scores of other single women starting over on the second chapter of their lives.  I cannot even explain how different it is then when you are young, but I'll try.

• When you are young, you think everything will work out.  The older wiser you knows some things just don't work out and that makes you more cautious or sometimes paralyzed.  Who me? 
• When you are young you are motivated by attraction, when you are older you realize much of that stuff fades...men go bald, get bellys, grow hair out of their ears, etc.  Sure, marry someone you are attracted to but don't make it the main thing for the main thing.  
• When you are young you have fairy tale dreams, older versions of princesses decide they don't need to be rescued, they just want to storm the gates with someone.
• When you are young you can tell everything by a kiss, when you are starting over you know a kiss is just a kiss. It might be a really great one, but it is still just a kiss. 
• When you are young you live wild and free, when you are older you want to live wild and free but owe to much to be wild and free, its only you paying the bills. 
• When you are younger a make out session is just that a session, when you are older it feels more like a tryout.  Don't let me get started on the amount of men that think sex should be in the cards even if they are christians.  OOOHHH and also I know some of you are appalled that I would make out a bit but don't judge if you aren't in my shoes.  It's way harder than I ever thought it would be to stay on the right side of purity.  Jesus just doesn't quite fill the void in the physical realm and a little kissing is at least better than a lot.  
• When you are younger men are drawn to you, now that I am older it seems I am slightly invisible. Of course it doesn't help that eighty percent of my demographic appears to be married and another twenty percent of those don't mind lying about it. 
• When you are younger love is all you need, when you get my age love is what you want but you recognize you have needs such as stability, character, intelligence, humor, etc.  
• When you are younger and you feel all tingly it's great, when you are my age you start to worry you are having a flare up of your neuroma.  
• When you are younger you fight for love(often times in embarrassing, sad ways), when you are older you decide if he is not interested thats his loss. I am not interested in convincing anyone of how great I am.  It's eithr yay or nay people don't bother hanging out waiting for someone to see how awesome you are.  
• When you are younger you hold your cards tighter(play games and try to bluff your way into things), when you are older you just show your hand and hope for the best.  Who has time to not be authentic at my age and with my crazy background.  
• When you are younger there are millions of places to meet men, when you are my age its basically Home Depot or Starbucks.  I am honestly over caffenated and rarely meet men there.  I may have resting bitch face, not sure.  
• When you are young anyone that comes onto you holds some promise, when you are halfway through your life that seems like a poor litmus test. 

Older, wiser has its benefits.  I have learned that I can be picky.  That it's ok to want more than ever before.  That what I want now, isn't close to what I used to want.  That I deserve what I want and what I need.

I wanted to go out on thirty dates, kind of a social experiment but got so disgusted I called it off at twelve.  When I hit the second slimy, "I can't tell you my full name guy" and then the "successful faith filled doctor" who was a mauler and very ungentlemenly I decided the social experiment was over.  I may be a bit jaded now.

It's not that I haven't met nice guys, I have.  It's just that I seem to have a bit of a goldilocks approach.  This ones too blah blah blah...this ones too serious blah blah blah...And theres this....men sometimes strangely act like they are still in college.  It's fun to feel like you are young again with all the new experiences and a first time kiss but I want to feel like I am fun, adventurous and a tiny bit younger than I am(this is important as I seem to like men a bit younger than me) but I don't need to be twenty again.  I have learned my lessons, I don't need a repeat of the old.  I want to figure out the new.

So I am working on my dating skills by working on me.  Trying not to be fearful or insecure but resting in the peace that everything will happen in the right time.  Trying to face my staggering disappointment in humanity and reignite my passion for seeing the beauty of people, the resiliance, the forgiveness, the hope that we are all carriers of.  In the meantime I can only focus on me; my hope, my joy, my forgiveness, my resilence, it's the only part of the journey I can do...mine. I think when I can see it fully in myself I will be able to see it more clearly in others.  I think it will eventually restore all that was lost or maybe it will give me double for my trouble.  I do know that I like this version of me, this girl that fights for herself, as hard as she has fought for anyone else. 

Its going to take a special someone and he will have to be endorsed by God and given supernatural strength to stick with me through some of my stuff( you know I have stuff).  I think I am all better until I am not.  So, I guess I will keep trying in small increments. Slowly, cautiously, bravely, plodding along on this journey. 

                                        Love each of you for being part of my journey!

This is the real me...no filter, no perfection, authentic

The Layers

You see her

but do you really see her

You see her but she cannot be defined

by what you see

the colors of her skin, her eyes, none of that defines her

You see her outward appearance but

it is what is under her skin that defines her

There you can see the beauty of strength

and the danger and the fear

There you see the layers of disappointment

and of great joy

There in the layers of her life

you see the past and the present

you see her heart that has bled out 

You see the love that flows from it

you see the warrior and the child

you see that she is every woman

and yet fiercly her own woman

You see her but you can't possbily know her

she is so much more than you can imagine

debbie hornsby

Now we see dimly...

Now we see dimly

1 Corinthians 13:12Amplified Bible, Classic Edition (AMPC)

12 For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as [a]in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand [b]fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been [c]fully and clearly known and understood [[d]by God].

I can't remember exactly when I got this vision, at church on a Sunday I believe.  I kept seeing in my mind this portal, this view in and out.  I felt as though everything that has happened, everything I have seen has somehow been a dim perception.  I have looked at myself in the mirror and never truly seen myself or my circumstances clearly.  I have seen this skewed, partial picture of myself and of my world. 

In this vision or stream of consciousness I was having I could see that the unseen is so much more brilliant than the seen.  

And thus this painting was birthed.  It is really not of me or anyone else, it is everyone of us that in this world are somewhat darkened or stained by circumstances and choices.  Those of us that live through pain and suffering and don't lose hope and look to God and still we are unable to see the glory laying right beyond our sight.  

That we live in a perception set in motion by the enemy of our faith, robbing the beauty and color out of this world, creating a dingy reflection of ourselves and our value.  My color, my light dimmed by unholy circumstances that come from living in an unholy world.  Tentacles of shame shadow my life at times, the darkness of regret blinds me to the beauty that lies within and without, the hope of heaven gleams in a distance to far for my blurred vision to see...just out of my reach and though I long for it, I struggle to bring it's reality here to my day to day life.  

While I look at myself and see the failure of broken relationships, the battle scars of the wars I have waged against myself and within myself, all heaven looks and see's the beauty of a million colors, the seeds of hope planted within this world, the me I was truly intended to be.  Heavens eyes of love look down with all the mercy and compassion of the saints that have experienced a new world.  These saints who's lives were dimly lit, who experienced failures and suffering as all humanity has and will, they look with the knowledge that it is all an illusion created by the great liar and accuser.

Who I am, who we are, is not determined by the mirror we see ourselves in, nor is it determined by the dullness that we see our lives through.  Only through spiritual eyes can we see the glory the Father is creating as He turns our aching hearts into songs of deliverence, as He turns our suffering into seeds of hope for others, our circumstances into strength for tomorrow and our sorrows into blessings.  Only when we truly seek to trust and surrender to the process do we really experience the freedom to say....what can this world do to me?  

There is a place of freedom birthed in the losing it all, in the suffering that teaches you that joy comes in the morning, in the letting go and holding on, there is a freedom we can experience here on this earth but it comes at a price and that price is surrendering your flesh, surrendering your fantasies and living in the desire to be pleasing to God not man.  

In the immortal words of Janis Joplin....

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

Isn't that what scripture teaches us?  You must lose your life to find it, trust and surrender, lean not on your own strength, do not be anxious for anything, the first shall be last, etc...

Just recently I was on a flight where everyone seemed to be looking for the best seats and the Lord reminded me that is not his way, I surrendered and asked Him to lead me and he did to the most loveliest of people.  Best seats no but best people yes.  I want to learn to lose it all and let God give me His best, to let the Lord fill me with trust, to quit striving in areas I have spent a lifetime striving in...to let go of my flesh and truly surrender in every aspect of the word.  

To stand between this world and that and see the glory of what's to come and the beauty of what truly is beautiful in this world, not man's standard of beauty and success but to see the beauty of people even in all their flaws for what it really is...breathtaking!  

We are the walking wounded and brilliantly beautiful, the humiliated and the illuminated, the weak made strong, the soul lovers that have been betrayed yet made soft and pliable through the sifting, the deceived that have seen the light. We are the beauty in a dark world, the broken yet bound together with love, we are the least of these but the chosen, and if we can live in this knowledge of the unseen then we can live victorious in the land of the living. 

You are the beautiful host of a thousand blinding colors and a million songs of glory, you are the beauty of this world.   The enemy would want you to believe and see otherwise but the truth is the defeated are conquerers, what looks like surrender is in fact the first step to freedom.  

When my flesh is gone all that will be left is the pure beauty of a God who is glorious beyond measure reflecting off my bones into eternity.  

So yes, we see dimly...darkness creeps in and we see through the webs of deception and the eyes of disappointment.  But when we open our eyes to the reality of a world of brilliance that comes not in things, position or others but to be so near to heaven that we see it through the lens of heaven.  That's when true freedom comes.
Let's go there together,