This quote, so perfect. This journey so wild, my thoughts are a jumbled mess racing around in my head. I want them to escape and find a place to land. The backdrop of it all is this broken, paradise. It is full of people who need Jesus. We need salvation to make sense of it all. Honestly, I don't even think I have made sense of it all. Maybe, what I should say is we need deliverance to live in it all. It is a journey of revelation and for me writing is just a form of "working it out".
I was talking to some friends this weekend. Wonderful, Godly women that fill my life with hope and laughter. Talking about disappointments, children that are struggling, rebellion and depression and all I could say was, yes. Yes, we think we have done a good job, done what we thought we should do, loved them to the best of our ability and yes, sometimes they still struggle. They are depressed, some are rebellious, some are headed for trouble, yes.
These children so precious, grow up and they have to find their own way. We help, we pray, but in the end....they decide their story.
God was the perfect parent, He gave His children paradise and set in place a few rules that would decide their destiny. They rebelled. He grieved that loss, He felt that pain of children that choose their own path instead of His. He knows my pain, He knows your pain, He has felt it all. Yes, He knows that disappointment.
I felt these friends hearts as they grieve the loss of what they thought this thing called parenting was going to be. Their dreams of perfection, dashed to the ground. I think perfection is overrated and it is in the working it out that we grow. We all think we are doing it right, we are doing are best.....and we are all getting different results.
Some of you, well your children seem perfect.....but maybe that is a problem too? Maybe the pressure from that is too much....maybe the pressure that puts on kids is too much. Whatever it looks like, I think it is difficult for all of us. The feelings of letting go, losing control, trusting God, letting them fail.....uuuuuggghhh it is just difficult and messy.
What I do know is that as mothers we are given this amazing gift to create life....to grow a person inside of us. How amazing is that? Then we get to love them to adulthood and to trust God's plan for their life. Parenting never ends, there is no deadline....it just goes on and on. sigh. Of course I am glad, and hope for a relationship with my children like I have with my parents. Then I think about how long it took me....I am almost 50, but for the last ten years my Mom has been my best friend. That is what I hope for.
I've never been quite sure if parenting is really about the children anyway.... My parenting journey has been filled with experiences that make me look at myself. I have watched myself go from sweet church lady to extreme hysterical mother in a matter of minutes. I have been forced to examine my reactions and failures. It ain't a pretty picture sometimes....shhhheez....
Nothing makes you doubt your salvation like a argument with your child where you lose it. Nothing shows you your messed up, broken heart like a provocation from a teenager. Nothing shows you your lack of self control like a run in with a child who is blatantly making the wrong choices...because let's face it, from our perspective it is just so clear that they are wrong! Been there, done that....
I am sure that is how God feels. From His perspective it is easy to see all the right choices and yet I often take a hundred wrong turns. I lose it with my kids, don't we all at one time or another? I take the long way to get to the right way. I have to experience the consequences of that wrong decision in order to make the right choice the next time. Life is complicated and children are beautiful messy individuals that when they grow up will make their own decisions. That's hard for me. I think it is hard for all of us who have adult children. I have spent the majority of my life trying to help my children make right choices but all of the sudden, it is up to them.
So Mom's don't judge one another, trust me you don't want to have to eat your words. Love Mom's that are struggling with their kids. Encourage them, share your story with them so they don't feel all alone. Be honest about the difficulties. Love one another well, that means no judgy attitude, no advise about what works for you and your perfect family, it means just listening and loving.
Parenting is hard and unpredictable and sometimes it is as much about us as it is about them. My children have helped me grow, they have been my focus but also my mirror to see what has to change to make me more like Jesus. They have been the sandpaper, rubbing hard edges off and getting rid of splinters. They have made me better, made me gentler, made me a prayer warrior, made me compassionate, made me hopeful, made me wiser.....yep, it's been hard and it's been good.
Except when it's not because sometimes it is bad, sometimes your heart breaks and you feel so confused about how these beings could have come out of your stomach and spent their entire lifetime with you and then somehow turn on you? wth? Sometimes they make choices that you can't agree with, sometimes you are forced to keep your mouth shut because putting in your two cents is just going to push them away. Sometimes, you watch them wreck things and all you can do is sit back and wait for them to come to you to help put the pieces back together.
The good news is they turn back, get smart, realize their mistakes, love you regardless of how they are acting. Like all of us they are just learning. Looking back, I was not so great at twenty and I turned out semi-okay. So I guess what I am saying is I love them, want the best for them, but it is hard letting go.....so there it is the truth about how hard it is....I know if you have young children you think it will be different for you. I thought that too.....maybe it will.
In the meantime I am thankful for each of my boys and what they have taught me along this journey. It is me that was changed for the better. It is me that has grown up. Finally, I think. Well, I am not finished yet.
That's all my thoughts, thanks for letting me work it out in writing....I feel better already. Love you my friends. Let's grow old together.
Debbie
AMEN!!!!!!!
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