So I wrote my name on the chalkboard(prayer wall) for a breakthrough. It was an act of faith. I knew I needed a breakthrough. I just felt like I was circling the bowl over and over again. Sure, I would be okay for awhile, but then boom round and round I would go. Sinking deeper and deeper until I would be lost in the dark again. I kept saying I wasn't depressed I was just sad, but in reality depressed was probably an accurate description. And to top it off, some weird nagging voice in my head kept whispering you are not a very good example if you are depressed, you must not be very strong. Then the condemnation would come and just flush me down the toilet into the great abyss of darkness. ssshhhezzz stinkin devil.....
I read a fellow blogger ramblings today and in it he said, Grief is a bag of sh*t.
I laughed because only someone walking through it can put words like that to it. Then I read Kay Warrens blog and she spoke about for the first time in 21 months and 12 days she went and sat in her spot in the front row. Only a parent who has lost a child keeps that kind of count. I am just short of 16 months. I have learned there is no right or wrong way on this journey.
To anyone who has gone through any type of trauma, let me just say.....be free, there is no right or wrong way to handle your broken heart. Most of us are just flailing along, trying to beat the dark away as if somehow we could stop it, trying to stop from sinking into the pit of despair, and hoping for each breakthrough to be the last one needed. Keep at it friends....don't give up!
One person puts a puzzle back together by putting all the edges together and another makes piles of same colors and images and yet another starts in a corner and works out.
Our broken pieces are like a puzzle....The only given, is just to keep at it.
More than once I have found myself spiritually bankrupt, nothing left to draw on. The voice of God a distant memory as the darkness crowded in on me. The frustration that I couldn't make the puzzle work pushing me deeper into despair. I think I may never be able to make the puzzle complete, there will always be a piece missing. I am starting to think that the best I can do is create a glorious picture with a missing piece.
So anyway, let's get back on track. That is why I put my name on the board. That is why I was praying for a breakthrough. Because the gratitude journal just wasn't working and the dark kept creeping back and it was scary and the thought of living that way forever just seemed to push me into a frantic, manic place. The maze place where no matter how hard I try I can't get out.
So I wrote my name on the prayer board. So I prayed for breakthrough, and I believe other people prayed for me to have breakthrough. Hey, thanks if that was you.....
And then, something happened.
Sometimes things just line up perfectly kinda like the lock on the fridge at church. I can't ever seem to remember the combo and when I do it seems impossibly hard to get those tiny little numbers to line up just right and from the correct direction, but when they do I get pretty excited! If you were to walk in on my little moment of success at the refrigerator you would think I had won an Olympic medal or had just rode a bull for the exact amount of time necessary to win. I throw my arms up in the air and hoot and holler. That is what this was like.....everything just lined up perfectly.
I started reading a Bible Study by Havilah Cunnington(look her up), we had our Week of Worship and God spoke to me. Not in some big, grand way but in a small voice that just kept chipping away until finally breakthrough came.
First, I recognized the enemy....I saw the lie that was being whispered in my ear for what it was, a lie! He had gotten me to be offended with God. I know God to be a good God yet I found myself believing that He wasn't good to me. I gave the enemy an open door to torment me, somewhere I was believing God was punishing me. I KNOW BETTER, but still in all honesty it was there, a subtle lie giving birth to...CONDEMNATION. A lingering question rang through my mind, why me? The answer came back in the form of a demonic whisper....you deserve it. That condemnation was what always ushered in the darkness. It is the oldest trick in the book, to get us to doubt God's goodness.
Listen people, God is not a punisher. He is a lover.
Let that sink in for a minute.
Then I started painting a picture with the intention of drawing a woman with light slipping through her fingertips and darkness pressing in. As I was working on it at church I felt the Lord say, what do you see? I looked and saw the darkness wasn't pressing in, it was being pushed back. The light might have been slipping through her fingers but it was also radiating out of her soul.
Perspective. He changed my perspective, yet again.
My son is gone, that much is true and somehow it is good. God has told me in many ways and through many people that Justin is where he is supposed to be. That his struggle is over. Honestly, that does make me happy. Thinking of him, absent from the body and present with the Lord. What Mom can't rejoice over that? It was personal, God rescued my Justin and I just have to hold unto the right perspective and not give an ear to the enemy of my faith that wants me to take offense at God's decision. My Heavenly Father knows best. I can trust Him.
Perspective. I can see clearly now.
I suppose I will need at least a hundred more breakthrough's and I will still get frustrated that I can't put the puzzle back together. Today however, I can see clearly. Everything has lined up and I have my breakthrough. My perspective back to the proper place, my God goggles firmly in place....Today I will not feel guilty if I am sad, I will choose to be authentic and vulnerable but I will not entertain the enemies whispers because my God is a good God and I trust Him, even in the sh*t.
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