I am Soul Thirsty

I am overwhelmed much of the time and yet strangely okay with it.  Life seems harder than it has ever been.  I think that is not the reality of the situation, but it is my perspective.  I forget birthdays, can't seem to keep up past the immediate needs, don't care as much about the details(or can't), don't mind the flying rascals gathered around my bananas, can't plan hardly anything, but I seem to be able to write.

It is a way to connect with what I feel.  I feel sad, it's true but it doesn't define me anymore. It's better and sometimes it's worse, I am so tired.  I thought it would feel better by now.  The nagging drip of grief and pain still pounds away in my mind...less and sometimes more.  I feel like one who has survived zombie land and I am literally the walking dead now.  I am dying more and more to myself than ever before.  Dead people don't feel pain, is that what Paul was getting at?  Die to caring about what others think or say.  There is a special place of freedom in that, in the being dead.  Grief is changing me and I like it.  I like that I don't care as much about things or what is said and I care more about people. I like that I know pain and I know His presence to be in the center of that pain.  That I can share.  That love, I can deliver to others.  He is in the center of our pain. He never leaves us, sometimes we may have to endure the pain but never alone.

I like that hope is encasing the pain like a cocoon.  That something beautiful is on the horizon.  That this place is tragic yet there is a glory that fills it.  That this life is an adventure, an epic adventure and like all adventures there is an up and down plot line, tragedy and a happily ever after.

The mundane is made holy in this light and nothing ever feels small again.  Meaningless chatter becomes annoying and calling out destiny is the new normal.  Building the Kingdom one limping step at a time and seeing the Kingdom through the mess of this reality.  I don't see it perfectly yet, but when I squint my eyes and tilt my head sideways I see love everywhere, not in me but in Him.

Love exploding through worship and hugs.  Love, long suffering in the grace of those to believe for better days.  Love demonstrated in words and deeds.  Love ruling a community, dreams and visions shared and celebrated so that "everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved."(Joel 2:32).  I am soul thirsty for this love, this manifestation and I want more.

So I  gather at the well with the other soul thirsty women in our group and the Lord speaks, He never fails us.  I may fail and have nothing prepared, but we worship and there in the presence of the Lord He drops down manna from heaven.  His word delivers.  In the midst of this I want more.  I am not sure what it looks like, I just want to hang out and gather with those who want more.  I want to be with the hungry, limping God lovers that are running their guts out in this race, this adventure for Jesus. I want more and so I study my word and I go to everything I can, and I am open to new adventures because I won't have enough of this Kingdom living until I get to heaven.