I see dead people.....

In the last few weeks I see dead people (well, actually just Justin).
Walking down the street, same height-same build....for just a moment my heart skips a beat.
I come walking out into the living room and I think Justin is asleep on the couch, he used to turn up like that crashed unexpectedly on our couch after he moved out. I see the shape there and my heart skips a beat.
Then I realize it's not Justin its a friend of Lukes.
I wonder why it's happening.
I hear a door shut late at night and for just a moment I am startled by the noise and then I think, he is home.
Then I remember He is not ever coming to this home again.
Sometimes I am afraid I am forgetting what he looks like.
I think he looks like a guy in the movie I am watching and I wonder why do I see him everywhere?
I suppose it is just wishful thinking.
All this loss and pain.
Just a moment of relief, thats what I am looking for....
something fixed, something whole, something restored....hope for a split second that it is all a mistake
The most difficult of circumstances....the loss of my boy,
Compounded by the loss of friends.
Betrayal at a level never before experienced.
Evil words said that can never be taken back.
We keep our mouths shut, God is our defender.
His timing could have been better.
Some rose to the occassion, others sunk to lower levels
but all revealed their hearts, thats what actions do.
Through it all we have learned, I have learned...
It's not my job to fix anything, it's my job to trust God.  Love people and trust God.
I am not the Holy Spirit and conviction is not my job...my job is love.
I am full of regrets and constantlly trying to rethink all that could have been different.
Scenarios, memories, conversations, all swirl around in my head on sleepless nights.
I know love is the answer to it all, I just can't seem to stop the maddening wheel of doubt and questions churning through my brain. What could I have done differently?
The sorrow is bearable most days but sometimes I wish I could just see him again for a minute.  I could just hold his hand, hear his laugh and hug him tight.
I feel so robbed of what could have been, there will be no turn around, no wedding, no grandchildren, no gray haired Justin to help me when I am old.
I am happy for those things in other's lives; weddings and new babies.  But sad too, for what could have been.
Every happy thing is tinged with a bit of sorrow, a reminder of loss.
Maybe I will always see him in the possibilities that could have been.
Maybe I will always grieve the loss of friends that shouldn't have been lost.
Maybe my idealized view of church life will forever be altered but maybe just maybe there is hope for it all.
Maybe hearts will be changed somewhere down the line, religous spirits will be overcome with grace filled hearts and community will mean more than ever before.
Maybe my heart will learn to forgive the largest of offences and in so doing will be set completely free.
Then one of those times when I think I see Justin....I really will because I will have stepped into eternity.  He will be waiting to greet me, of that much I am sure.
In the meantime I will probably just continue to see dead people(some that look like Justin and some that need  life in Jesus).
I will see them through eyes stained with the blood of Jesus and I will try to love them to life because that is what Justin would want.
There is room in this heart for the sorrow, joy and love because hope came to this earth and set us all free from death.  So I choose to live today to the best of my ability in JOY mingled with sorrow.  Making joy bigger by sheer willpower.