Dependence or despair

Since Justin died I have lived in this space....teetering between both.  Some days better than others...not devoid of happiness and laughter alltogether, but some deeply sad days, hours, moments, etc.

I have known that in it all He is whispering be brave.  Be vulnerable.   The woman who poured out her costly perfume, she was brave.  I am just broken.  Maybe, being broken is part of learning dependence and dependence is key to being brave.  I thought I was dependent, but I was only partially.  My skills, my abilities often interfered with my dependence.  Now, I am a wounded, limping, gimpy sheep.  Like any good shepherd He cares deeply for His flock.  This means the weak and the stragglers get extra attention.  This means me.  I lay at His feet wounded and broken, pouring out the only thing I have... my tears.  My vulnerability, my wounded heart and I risk everything in an attempt to be strengthened.  I dont care what the crowd thinks anymore, reject me and it just brings more freedom.  Love me and it brings healing, either way I win.  Isaiah said He gives strength....right now he gives me enough to not faint.  Some may be soaring but I am walking and not fainting...every step in dependence.  Every tear a pebble on the path away from despair. By His grace he takes my vulnerability and calls me valuable even in the brokenness.