Thirty days, hard pressed but victorious!

Not sure if I am done with her yet....

It occured to me yesterday that it had been thirty days since my life started this spiral into the darkness (I know I am so dramatic).  I know we all go through dark times but this....well this was exceptionally hard.  When someone would ask how I was, I found myself unable to answer with a positive reply.  My heart was so heavy for friends that had suffered loss (3 funerals) and for lives that would never be as they had hoped.  To be positive in the realm of so much pain it seemed almost as if I would be betraying them.  And so I stayed in the darkness alongside them, visiting and calling.  My husbands health once again in a questionable state, the darkness ebbed even closer in my brain.  Feeling foggy even in the midst of my God(for I know He is always there).   Darkness is subtle it comes step by step, closer and closer until before you know it you are completely covered by it.  By the way, it is not unspiritual to struggle with depression.  Great people of the Bible struggled with depression during times of great disappointment.  Thirty days I was hard pressed on all sides, boxed in by compassion and empathy for others.  Oh sure, the sun would come out for a moment or two but for the most part it was just dark. 

I don't know why I couldn't find the sunshine in the midst of the storm.  I only know that at some point I thought I have to do something to change this.  I began to press in even harder to the Lord, my devotionals weren't enough, study time wasn't working, worship music was not breaking through, I felt a bit cold and dead. The kind of feeling where you unconsciously are covering your heart to keep it from feeling anything. This was going to be difficult but I knew my God could do anything.  I had to quit thinking about the sad stuff and start being thankful for the good.  A thankful heart is like a flashlight in the dark, it scatters the darkness and proves to you that it is not as scary as you thought.  Because let's face it, everything seems scarier in the dark. Press on, I told myself all the things I knew to be true.   On I must go, I wearily thought... then I thought about the Dr. Seuss book that I love,  "Oh the Places You'll Go"
But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
After all, I am a Pastor.  What did I really think, it would always get to be the sunny side of life?  I started laughing.  Laughing at my kids, reading jokes, sitting with my puppies, I chose to laugh.  I started replaying the encouraging words I had heard in my mind from friends.  Yes, for sure there was good in all of this, after all it was an honor to be engaged in peoples lives in some of their darkest moments.  I reworked my thoughts into positive statements.  I found scripture to bolster my joy.  I reminded myself of how thankful I am for the little things and I saw some big things that I had missed in all the darkness.  I made a list, I thanked God for the things on the list.  I laughed some more.  I watched an inappropriate comedy, yes I admit it was rated R (except it was on tv).  I laughed about my mom dropping her camera in the ocean for the second time, I laughed at Lola's crazy comments, I laughed when I stepped in dog poop, I laughed by myself and finally as I sat home by myself on Saturday I laughed because even though I was sick, I was not sad.  I laughed because I knew that without that sadness I wouldn't have apprecaited the right now moment of "Thank you Jesus, He is risen!"  Easter might have just been another Easter except this Easter I felt like the Lord had rolled away the stone of heaviness and had risen up the joy of my salvation!  It's true it had been a sad thirty days, but Sunday was coming!! 
I had every reason to celebrate Easter.  Because Jesus is risen, all the funerals were just births into heaven.  Because Jesus is risen, I am assured that this mess I live in,  this is not all there is.  Because Jesus is risen, I am surronded by an amazing family of believers that love me even when I am in the darkness.  Because Jesus is risen, I have an amazing husband and every day with him is a gift.  Because Jesus is risen, I get to be the light in the darkness.  And, this little light of mine, it may grow dim but it will never go out.  It's true this life is just a great balancing act and sometimes I get a little mixed up but this one thing I know; I can choose to laugh.  I celebrate because of my salvation and sometimes I just need to be reminded if there was nothing else, that alone is enough to have joy in.  The joy of my salvation is well.... just the spotlight I need to shine the light on all the good there is in my world and fill my heart with rejoicing once again.  Be blessed my friends, and choose laughter today.